We have a heartbeat x2!!

I can’t believe it but we are having twins!! We went in for our 6 week ultrasound this morning and seen 2 perfect gestational sacs 2 perfect yolk sacs and 2 perfect heartbeats. My RE said everything looks good then she rephrased and said no everything looks GREAT! She just kept saying perfect and great! They are identical in size! I think I’m still in shock DH and I cried and then just started at each other I think we are both in disbelief. I am feeling over the moon happy! I feel so very blessed! I might just be the happiest girl in the world at this very moment!

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas

I had amazing past few days filled with family! We laughed we cried and even fought over a few games of Taboo. My family is so darn competitive yes me included. I must tell you the women came out the victors! DH and I received so many gifts you would think we were 10 year old kids both of our families really spoil us (its a little ridiculous) I am so incredibly thankfully, I cant wait until next year I pray and pray this baby(ies) makes it to our arms!! Christmas really is about the kids, watching my niece and nephews face light up after every gift the opened was really priceless!!

I have to share with you one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

DH family is big on Christmas card, my family sent out Holiday cards but they give individual ones to everyone in the family. At first I didnt really understand why but after only one Christmas I realized what a great thing it is. DH family is not big on the lovey dovey or really talking about there feelings this was a bit of a shock to me since I come from a family of drama queens! They use these card to really thank each other for the year that has passed. The all spend hours looking for the perfect cards. When everyone reads there cards before they open present you can see the tear in there eyes, those Christmas cards mean the world to them. With a year full of up and down those cards were my favorite Christmas gift. DH Dads card made me cry, ok they all made me cry. Than I got to DH's card to me. I cried one of those uglies cries.  I know this is a tradition I will always carry on in my family.

I am so thankfully for another year with my family, friends and most of all DH.

5 weeks and a BETA!!!

First off I want to welcome anyone visiting from ICLW. Thank You for stopping by!

You have caught me just weeks after my BFP!! I have never wanted to skip Christmas in my life but today I just want the 28^th to get here. This is when I will get my first ultra sound.

I just got a call from my nurse my BETA for today is 4116!! This is 18dp3dt or 5 weeks preggos!! I still can’t believe it. I really have had a difficult time wrapping my head around it. Is it just me or is the excitement always short lived? It’s not that I’m always nervous but in the hours before the call from my RE’s office I am a total freak. Then they call I get totally excited and then have a short freak out about the next appointment. I mean seriously Jessica chill out! (I have told myself this on numerous occasions) I have never been so scared and happy in my whole life. I can’t wait for the day that I don’t cringe every time I wipe (TMI) it’s the truth every time I go to the bathroom I cringe. Don’t get me wrong I am so so incredibly thankfully and I wouldn’t give all these crazy emotions for the world.  DH has been the cutest thing every morning when he leaves for work he gives me a kiss and goes to my belly and says “stick around please we love you already” sometime he also throws in “Im a pretty cool guy and you’re going to want to meet me.” It makes me want to cry almost every time!!

Update

BETA #3 from yesterday 494!!  My nurse told me my number was great and to relax and enjoy pregnancy!! I feel so relieved. Thankfully the spotting only happened that once and hasn't returned. (Excuse me well I knock on wood). I'm felling good to day I think I might actually go buy a baby book, might! It still scares me a little a lot!!

I might kick myself in the butt for writing this but here it goes!!

I am feeling great today. I actually was feeling good last night. Not great in the since that my body feels normal because my boobs feel like they are being stabbed and the grumbling in my stomach is no fun plus I’ve been waking up around 4:30 in the morning with some pretty intense huger pains. That is fine and well with me though! I’m not sure what it is but, my anxiety has really subsided I actually feel calm. Strange right? I mean I know so many thing can go wrong but today I really feel whatever will be will be and for whatever reason I think that means bringing baby(ies) home. I have told myself no more Dr. Google it really is a problem and the truth is regardless of what I read it isn’t going to change.

On a bit of a side note:

I have to tell you, the ladies at my clinic have really been nothing amazing. I am so glad we went with USC. My visit this past Wednesday when I went in for my 2^nd BETA was great. I was greeted with hugs and smiles two of the nurse actually did a bit of a happy dance for us. They told me they were all waiting for my numbers to come in and they all wanted to be the ones to call and tell me! (It made me feel special)

We have gone through a few bumps during this whole IVF process and not only did my own nurse call to check in so did two other. They all just called to tell me they were thinking of me and really tried hard to reassure me. I know they didn’t have to that. One of my favorites Francine (love her British accent) must have talked to me for over half an hour and I know the office was closed. Really though the whole staff has been amazing (I could do without the rude receptionist) they all have made me and Nick feel so comfortable. I have had my run in with a few bad doctors and nurses in my day and they can make or break your day. Often it’s regardless of what they say but how they say it. This whole process can be too much for even the strongest people to handle but when you have a great people supporting you it makes the ride a little smoother!

Thank you so much for your kind words yesterday I took all the advice and really tried to take it easy. Thankfully there were no causalities due to my stress level!

I'm SCARED.....

I’m telling you, just went I let my guard down just a little, BAM I take a dive.

I was baking last night when I felt a little bit of an upset stomach I wouldn’t call it cramping more upset. I went to the bathroom and I felt my heart sink there was blood. This might be TMI but I’m going to put it out there because I’m still freaked out.

It wasn’t bleeding I would consider it more spotting. It was only on the toilet paper. I called my RE office in a total panic by the time the on-call RE called me back I was having a full on breakdown. He told me based on my BETA he wasn’t concerned but that I should lay down the rest of the evening and take an extra progesterone suppository one when we got off the phone and another around 10:00. I did just that I work up once during the night and went to the bathroom, thankfully no blood. This morning when I went to the bathroom there was little excess of the suppository it was not it usually white it was more on the brown side but, nothing else I haven’t had any more bleeding.

My nurse called me this morning and got me a little scared. All the questions only make me more nervous. I did have a little back pain but nothing intense I thought it was from me sleeping on my back so much I am normally a belly girl. The whole was it pink or was it red. I mean it wasn’t like crazy red but I wouldn’t say pink. DH swears it was more pink than red but I think he is just saying that. I swear I wish they had a picture of pink vs. red and what they considered each. Her tone wasn’t as calming as the RE last night he actually said “I promise everything is fine” which bothered me because we all know he can’t promise me anything. He was very reassuring though my nurse this morning not so much. She said if I had anymore bleeding than to call and I would go in tomorrow for another blood test. About 20 min after are call I sent her an e-mail asking if I could go in either way. I haven’t received a response back.

I am so nervous and everyone just keeps telling to relax. I really want to rip their heads off I mean like SERIOUSLY!!

I want this so bad I am just absolutely terrified. I pray everything is going to be OK.

11dp3dt 2nd BETA!!!

WOHOOOO 2nd  BETA 217!!!

BETA #3 Scheduled for December 21st and first Ultra Sound Scheduled for December 28th!

How am I going to wait a week?!?!?

Where to start....

During the last 9 days, I must have sat at my computer and started to write something for my blog at least 10 times. I never could seem to get my head focus enough the write anything other than non-sense. I guess you could say the past 9 days have been a bit of a roller coaster.

Sunday the day after are transfer, I was on cloud 9 all I could do was stare at the picture of a little embies my smile was plastered on. I hoped that feeling would never go away. Unfortunately by Monday it was back to work and not just my everyday job. It was time for our annual Holiday party and as part of our Employee activity committee that meant the craziest time of year. I pushed myself harder than I should have. Monday and Tuesday I had worked almost 11 hour days and by the time I got home I was completely exhausted. DH and I got into an argument on Tuesday night, he was not happy with me. He knew I was pushing too hard. I know he was right, I think I was just trying to keep busy. Both nights I had quite a bit of cramping, it was really freaking me out. Wednesday was the day of the event. I really made the extra effort not to push so hard. Nobody on the Employee activity committee knew what was going on so the day of the party I had to fake an intense headache to allow myself a few brakes. The party turned out great!!  I managed to get my mind off of this whole process long enough to enjoy myself!

                                          Pictures from the Photo booth at the Party

Than Thursday came and this meant back to work as usual, yeah right usual, I don’t think I got any work done which only added to my stress. I gave myself a pass and told myself if now isn’t a time to slack off there never will be! I didn’t have too much cramping on Tuesday just a few sharp pains in my lower back. Friday was pretty much a repeat of Thursday only I decided to leave work early; I wasn’t doing anyone any good at work. Friday night came and that’s when the insomnia started I got to bed around 10:00 and by 3:00am I was wide eyed and ready to go. I tried everything to get to bed but it wasn’t happening.  Finally by 6:00am I was up and getting started on my grandmother in laws birthday cake it was her 80^th birthday. With both my sister and mother in law being Jehovah’s Witness that left me as the only lady in the family to do anything for her. We planned a nice dinner with my father in law his brother DH cousin, girlfriend and there little one. It was a nice time and it was nice to keep busy. When DH grandma blew out the candles she said “I made the same wish I made at Thanksgiving when we broke the wish bone” She winked over at DH and I. She is so sweet!

 The Cake I made for DH Grandma!!

 I was pretty tired by the time we got home and thought that I would fall right to sleep which I did but around 2:00am I was wide awake. I laid there for hours trying to sleep with no luck. Saturday we had bought some HPT, so I decided to take one two about 4:00 in the morning. Pretty quickly the second pink line came up and I started to cry. I woke DH and we were both so excited.

                                           I think the lines looked darker in person!

Sometime I annoy myself by being so negative. Our excitement was short lived do to my own skepticism.  Sunday we kept busy and finished up the last of our Christmas shopping. By 3:00 I was completely warn out, we went home hoping to take a nap. Again, no luck instead I started watching some ridiculous show that left me in tear while DH was sleeping. He woke up and seen my crying.  He told me ok we have to so something to keep you busy. I really wasn’t up to leaving the house so we decided to do some Christmas wrapping and watch a movie. Thankfully it worked we wrapped gifts until almost 8:00 we are almost all done!! Yay us! Sunday night was pretty much a repeat of Saturday night I was up by 2:0 am and POAS. This one came up even faster than the last and was pretty much the same color as the first line. I went in and told DH we were excited. I’m still not sure why I POAS it gave me no relief I still felt just as nervous. Then there was yesterday, ohhh the torture. I swear ever hour felt like an eternity!. DH called me at work around 12:00 and told me “I’m going crazy I can’t think of anything other than our results.” I told him welcome to the party!!!! That’s how I’ve been the last week!” He didn’t enjoy my sarcasm! We had both decided to leave work early so we could get the call together. The clinic told us they would be calling between 3:00 and 4:30. Given their track record we figured it would be closer to 4:30 and boy were we right 4:29 and still no call. I almost had a full on anxiety attack. So I decided to call them, my nurse got on the phone and said well Congratulations!!!   I was so excited I felt like the world was lifted off of my shoulders. Than me being the skeptic I am said like “pregnant, pregnant” she laughed and said yes “pregnant, pregnant.” We hung up and then came the jumping “it’s become a bit of a ritual for DH and I, when we hear good news” The jumping turned to hugging witched turned to crying. They were the happiest tears I have ever shed. I honestly never thought this day would come. I still can’t believe it’s true. We told both of our parents and sisters and DH grandmother, we got screams and tears. They are all so happy for us!

I still can’t believe we got a BFP!! Now all I can do is pray that my level rise tomorrow. This waiting game is ridiculous and I know it’s not going anywhere anytime soon!

I want to thank all of you Ladies for your advace,encouragemnt and support. Although I know none of you in person I am forever indebted. You have helped me through one of the hardest things I have ever had to face and although this journey is far from over. Im not sure I could have made it to this point without you! Words are not enough but THANK YOU!!

9dp3dt.....

9dp3dt and a BFP!!!!!! I went in for my first BETA today and it was at a 93!!

I am so incredibly happy I honestly didn't think this day would ever come. I mean Im freakin pregnant!!My body has let me down time and time again but today it is a CHAMPION!! DH and I literally jumped up and down with excitement and than we just cried. They where the happiest tears I have ever shed, I am so incredibly thankful!!

 I go in again on Wednesday for my second BETA!!

I will try to post tomorrow when I can actually think straight.

They’re Gorgeous, Just Gorgeous!!

We did our day3 transfer this past Saturday. The whole experience was pretty amazing! I know it is a day DH and I will never forget. We transferred two perfect Grade A 8 cell embryos with no fragmentation. The RE said they were gorgeous. The embryologist said they all looked great and they were able to freeze the other 4.

Here they are!

The day wouldn’t have been normal if everything went smoothly. So of course true to my nature there were a few “issues.” The day started at about 5:15am in the morning I had a scheduled acupuncturist appointment at 5:45. My acupuncturist had just moved to a new office the day before when she got to the office her keys didn’t work. So around 5:30 she called and asked if we could just do it at my home which I was fine with me. I was just a little worried we would be late. She finally got to my place around 6:00. I was completely freaking out. It threw off are whole scheduled but, she did a great job at relaxing me. When it was all done DH and I ran out the door. It’s at least an hour in a half drive to our RE office so I started drinking water on the way in. Unfortunately smarty pants me decided to take my antibiotics with nothing in my stomach, cue nausea. By the time we got to the office nausea was in full force. I actually threw up in the parking lot (I know TMI I’m sorry). Nothing but water which of course freaked me out, I was so worried my bladder wouldn’t be full enough so I chugged another water bottle in a half (wasn’t great for the nausea). Thankfully a few stick of mint gum seem to do the trick and by the time I got called back to our room that nausea seem to go away. Than my a new RE that I had meet once before came in. He is a nice guy and really made me and Nick feel comfortable. Once the procedure started things got interesting. Apparently I have a tilted uterus not your average tilted uterus a SERIOUSLY tilted uterus. He did another mock transfer and things didn’t go too smoothly. 45 minutes later with a new larger catheter and new clamps and my chair/bed lifted about 4 feet in the air the RE was finally comfortable. Unfortunately the only was the RE could see the screen was by barley pocking his head threw my legs. It was a sight to see DH me and the other doctor got a little bit of a chuckle out of it. Which was followed by the RE saying “no laughing the catheter is slipping out” he actually said I would prefer if you didn’t breath but I don’t think that possible. Cue laughing. The RE actually called a time out and said we should all re-group. Which we did and he was finally able to transfer our beautiful little embies (I’m in love). This whole has experience has been crazy to say the least but, those moment after the transfer were pure bliss. It was such an amazing experience. I forgot to mention that when the RE left he put on some “mood” music and deemed the lights. It seemed weird at the moment but it was a very intimate time for DH and I one I know we will never forget.

Now we wait our first BETA appointment is Monday December 12 so, as of today we have a 1 week wait.

Oh and the embryologist said that I get the award for cutest socks! I was pretty jazzed about that!

The waiting game

I think the knots in my stomach are finally going away which makes me a little nervous. The last time I started feeling a little confident I felt like my world came crashing down! How ironic I’m worried about not being worried.

Fertilization report from yesterday:

Out of 7 retrieved 6 were mature and all fertilized!

Is it only me or is the excitement of a positive phone call short lived? This waiting game is literally giving me gray hairs!

Now we are waiting on the call from the RE she should be calling around 11:30 or 12:00, Im going to do my best to keep myself busy until then.

This is my cute little Missy giving me love after my retrieval. Don’t judge me I just had 7 follicles taken from my va-jay-jay!!

Oh and there are a few new pictures in " Dressed from the ankles down"

Great news!

we were able to go through with the retrival!! It was such a great moment after are ultrasound to confirm we would be able to go through with it our RE left the room DH and I broke down we were so happy we are still a long way from being where we want but we hit another milestone in this crazy journey! After the retrival my RE came in and said "we pulled 7 lucky number 7" she had no idea DH and I had been refering to "them" as the lucky 7! Thank You all again for your kind words!

Quick update

went into my RE office yesterday. apparently they have only had this hapen two other times both times they were still able to do a retrival. they took an ultra sound and than i heard quit the conversation amongst the doctors at the clinic. one seem to think the images showed i would be ovulating very soon and thought we should still move forward with retrival yesterday. Two other doctors thought that we should still wait for my bloodwork anf holdoff until today. To say that my stomach has been in knots would be an understatement. My RE called last night and said that my numbers looked promising. This morning we are going in hoping and praying i did not already ovulate. They will do an ultrasound first and if everything looks ok we will go through with the retrival. The last few days have been field with anger,fustration and doubt. Im not sure why these thing keep happening but I know now more than ever how strong DH and I are. I know God will bring us through this.  Thank You all so much for yiur kind words and support  it has ment so much to me. hopefully my next post will bring good news. sorry for all the errors im on my phone and its 5 in the morning.

We took a dive....

I just got a call from my RE apparently my hcg did not rise. she thinks i got a bad dose. This means no retrival tomorrow. DH and i are driving to pick up a new dosage and pray that my estradiol rises tomorrow. in my re words we will try to salvage this cycle. if not than nothing. she said this has only happened very few times. why me?

Update:

Ok well I have gathered myself a little. My RE called and said although I had no traces of HCG my estradol level did rise so thats a good thing,. We just got back from picking up Novadrel Im supposed to take it at 11:30pm tonight in hopes to have a retrival on Wedensday. Ovidral is what I took last night. Has this ever happened to anyone? My RE said this rarely happens. She said we are hoping to go in tomorrow and my estradol level rises. Im trying really hard to be positive but the truth is Im freaking out. I havent taken any other stims since yesterday morning when I took microdose Lupron. Is there even a chance of this working? Will I ovulate on my own, will my eggs be to old? Both my RE and nurse seem to feel confident but part of me feels thats what they have to do.

MIA

Im feeling a little disconnected I think this has been my longest stretch without blogging. I wish I had enough energy to gather up something great to post but that is not the case so today you will get bullet points.

·         Thanksgiving was a great success. It wasn’t anything big this year but it was still great. My little brother said the prayer and asked God for a new niece or nephew at the table next year (I cried) than we played Taboo until we couldn’t laugh anymore.

·         Black Friday = EPIC Fail, this was my first year not going out with my mom. I had absolutely no energyL.

·         Monitoring check #3 11/26/11. Two new follicles joined the party but they were too little to late the doctor said. We also had a few slow growers so the Doc decided to do one more day of meds. So this moved my retrieval till tomorrow instead of today.

·         Monitoring Check #4 11/27/11. Met with my actual RE and she seemed very pleased with the way my lucky 7 were coming along. (The smallest was 15mm and my largest was 21.3mm) She seemed pleasantly surprised which almost made me cry, OK maybe I cried a little.

·         Last night  Early this morning at exactly 12:45am we did our trigger shot. DH and I were both so excited we almost cried. We shared the most amazing moment. I love that man.

·         This morning I went in for blood work and to sign consent forms. I can’t believe I made it this far.

I am feeling so excited today. I can’t wait to get to my RE office tomorrow.

Oh and ofcourse there are some updates "Dressed from the ankles down"

Blogger Awards!!!

A BIG THANK YOU to Kayla over at Life is Simple, Its just not easy who gave me my first blogger award! 

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers

with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The 5 Blogs below are the ones that I personally want to award for being awesome:

1.   waiting and wishing

2.       Lauren @ The Yoakum crew... and a foster dog or 2!   

3.       LC @ Still Dreaming

4.       Mrs. H @ Mrs H my life unscripted

5.       Lanie @ Unruffled Lanie



2nd monitoring appointment..

Things seem to be moving right along. No new follicles to report. Only the same 7 which I’m happy with 7 is a lucky number. Hopefully luck is sending me a sign that it is sticking around for a while (Let’s hope).

The doctor said everything was looking as should be expected and the lucky 7 are all pretty close in size.  So that makes me happy. Unfortunately I have this ridiculous head cold that has knocked me on my butt. Between that and these meds my mind is completely gone. I am surprised I am even posting anything today. I feel like I can’t focus on anything. Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom and she asked me “are you even listening?” The truth is I wasn’t, it wasn’t like I was doing anything else I am just out of it.

I hope I get my mind back soon!!

Don’t forget to check out “Dressed from the ankles down”

Welcome ICLWers

For those of you stopping by my blog for the first time, I’m Jessica I’m 27 and married to an amazing man living in beautiful Southern California.  You have caught me in the middle of my first IVF (praying it’s my only) cycle and with a bad head cold (I will save that for another post). 

Here is a piece of an old post (8/25/11) that tells you a little of our story.

 I am a newbie to IVF and I am still attempting to master IVF lingo, yet my story in the world of fertility problems began over 20 years ago when I was only six years old. During most of my first grade year I struggled with abdominal pain, doctor visits and finally being diagnosed with a tumor that had grown and wrapped itself around my right ovary and fallopian tube that resulted in the removal of them all. At the time of surgery I had no Idea what it all meant and was completely oblivious to any future implications in regards to my ability to becoming a parent. All I remember is that the first grade wasn’t easy and being held back a year due to missing school too often was devastating.

            At the age of 14 I was back at the hospital for the removal of a large cyst that had developed on my left ovary and that was growing very rapidly. The doctor discussed with my parents the possibility of having to remove my ovary; I can still picture my mother with tears in her eyes telling me about the possibility of not being able to have children. Thankfully they were able to remove the cyst without any complications. This scenario repeated itself again when I was seventeen years old and when I was twenty years old. It was then that I met the love of my life, my husband Nick. Early on in the relationship I felt the responsibility to share with him my fertility problems as to give him the opportunity to decide if he wished to continue to pursue a relationship with a woman who might not be able to conceive a child, or as my parents presented to Nick when he asked for my hand in marriage, “she might have baby making issues.” It was painful to hear my parents say those words despite the fact that growing up with these medical issues had pushed me to never imagine myself as a mother. I guess deep down I had never lost hope.

My feelings of fear and hope in being able to conceive became all too real in late 2009 when a new cyst that was larger than my ovary was found. The cyst was growing at an alarming rate and therefore it would require surgery. I did not fear the surgery as I had the other times. This time the feelings had changed. Up until then, my fertility problems had been a shared experience between my parents and I, now there was Nick sitting next to me at the doctor’s office listening to the possibility of having to remove my only ovary and crushing any possibility of us as a couple being able to conceive a child. I felt the worst I had ever felt thus far in my life because it had been one thing for my body to let me down but it was another to see it hurting my husband. Nick put on a brave face and told me it would be fine but, I could tell by the look on his face his hope was being tested.

I went into surgery not knowing what my future could hold and woke up to Nick telling me that the doctor had been able to save my ovary.  There was short lived hope in hearing his words followed by sorrow.  Nick informed me about my fallopian tube being completely blocked due to damage from scar tissue from my other surgeries and thus eliminated any possibility of being able to conceive on our own.  I just cried and cried and cried. I cried for three days straight. I cry again as I relive that day. It was then that we were given the referral for the fertility specialist and it took about a year for me to process my thoughts and feelings surrounding IVF and manage the courage to fight for the ability to conceive and carry a child with the help of IVF. 

Earlier I mentioned that for years I had never imagined myself as a mother and believed that I would be okay if I never had my own children. Truth be told, I have been practicing my mothering skills from an early age.  My parents worked a lot when I was a teenager and I took on many duties in our home in their absence. My little sister leaving for college has been one of my proudest and most difficult moments in my life. At my wedding my little brother gave a speech saying, “you are my second mom, please don’t forget me.”  Although they are not my children, I believe that I have contributed to creating the people they are today and I’m very proud of that.

Then there is Nick, he is such a warm and caring man. I could not have asked for a better partner in life. One of our favorite things to do is have our nieces and nephews over for the weekend. Seeing the way Nick interacts with them and how they just love him makes me fall in love with him all over again. It is in those moments that I can picture what our life with our own children could be. When my seven year old nephew told Nick, “you are my favorite uncle,” Nick almost cried, I almost cried.

I believe Nick and I have mastered the skills of being a good brother, sister, aunt and uncle and now we are ready to be the best Mommy and Daddy we know we can be. Nick and I made a commitment to each other in marriage and now we have made our commitment to our children in being able to find the strength and means to explore all possibilities that could lead us into becoming parents. We have never wanted anything more in life and we hope every day that our baby girl Leena or baby boy Brayden come into our lives because they will be loved more than words could ever express. We just need science to help us to make that happen.

Thank you for stopping by...

Out of it

I really am I feel like my mind is somewhere else. I better snap out of it soon because I have way to much work to do in this short work week. With that said this is going to be short and sweet. 

Today is day 5 of meds and well, those little Bitches I mean injections are begging to hurt! The first few days I was like this is easy schemezy lol Boy was I fooled. I tried to convince DH to let me stick him with one of our UN-used syringes. Yeah that was a NO GO. I think it’s only fair he thinks I’m crazy (maybe just a little). On a good note he has become quiet the professional at jammin those needles in!

Today was my first monitoring appointment. Everything looked good the Doc said everything looked just as it should. There are 7 follicles growing right now all around the same size (quality over quantity). So I’m happy about that. 

Look for my new Tab “Dressed from the ankles down”

Blogger Mail

I wanted to give a big Thank You! To my blogger friend over at waiting and wishing for the package I had waiting for me when I got home today. I love my socks and the bookmark is great its already being put to use!

Well we did our first Microdose Lupron injection this morning. It wasn’t too bad but I really wish we would have recorded the whole ordeal. DH really wants to be a part of this whole thing so he is insisting on giving all of the injection haha. This from the man that is afraid of needles! Let’s just say it didn’t go down as planned I ended up actually sticking myself with the needle but he wanted to put the meds in lol it was funny. He swears he will be more comfortable tonight. Will see!

He was so darn cute this morning I had to take a picture! I LOVE THIS MAN!

Oh and apparently I don’t have a sense of humor. One of my friends posted this on facebook last night and needless to say I didn’t repost. Some people need to be slapped!

         "I'M EXPECTING :) 6 weeks!! i know its crazy ain't it? i can't believe it myself. i wasn't going to put  it on here but i wanted to make it official.. i mean who would have guessed that we're expecting!!! yup its official... we are expecting Christmas in just 6 weeks!!! re-post if you have any sense of humor;) LOL"

Quality over Quantity

I am going to try to live by this the next few weeks.

I’m not sure why I let myself get so worked up yesterday. I’ve known going into this that I have only one ovary with low egg reserve. So why I cried over this again yesterday is beyond me. Going in my Dr. told me remember your young and its quality over quantity. I think I forgot that yesterday, I don’t want to keep having these melt down over things that are out of my control. Especially something I knew going in! So I decided to put a few reminders in my office and at home here are the ones in my office.

I'm not sure you can see it but to the left of my computer is a pic of me and DH an over it is written

Quality over Quantity!

Here is one of my fun bulletin board I have in my office 

I'm hoping all of these small reminders will keep me mind from wandering into the negative!!

Oh and I forgot, the nurse called yesterday and we are a go. DH and I are going in for are med class today and will start Microdose Lupron on Thursday!!!

Just get through today

Let me start off with the Good news before I have a petty party for myself.

This is totally UN IVF related but me and DH went on a date night this past Saturday. We haven’t been out to any of our local Casinos in years so we decided to go test our luck! Good thing we did I will spare you all the details but I hit one of the small jackpots and won $5000 (freaking amazing) I mean seriously I was left speechless. We had already won a little over $1000 before I hit this. So it was a great night!!

The crazy thing is when we had gotten are meds and received the good luck note. My first thought was, does luck have anything to do with it? I thought, well I hope luck is on my side. Well luck showed up on Saturday night and I pray it sticks around for the next few months!!

Ok on to my appointment today.

I have to say I almost cried when the Dr. left the office after my ultra sounds and physical. This is going to be TMI but apparently my Va jay jay is slightly discolored which is a sign of low insulin (seriously?) and apparently a sign on getting Diabetes later in life also the Dr. (not my own) told me and I quote” you have really lumpy breast nothing I would be too concerned about though.” I mean seriously I was about 5 minutes into my appointment and I was told I have a funky colored Va jay jay and lumpy breast!! (It’s a little funny when I think about it now) Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling great by the time we actually got to the magic wand!!

During the ultra sound the Dr. pointed out a cyst in my Ovary that I wasn’t told about last time. I specifically remember the last Dr. point to that same object and telling me it was a lg follicle. The Dr. told me no that it was even in the notes from my last appointment and that she seen 5 follicles and 1 cyst. Um excuse me last time I was there they told me 6 follicles and never mentioned a cyst I mean come on I’m pretty sure this is something I would remember. She told me not to worry about it. That she doesn’t think it is messing with my hormones level because it would have showed up last time. She thinks?  That’s just not what I wanted to hear. Now I have to wait for the call later today to here if we are still a go.

I’m really not sure how I’m going to get through all of this. I’m really a mess right now. I don’t know what I was expecting going into this appointment. I mean I knew my ovary wasn’t going to magically have more follicles. I think when I go in its just such a reminder that my body isn’t normal and well that makes me sad, pissed and everything in between!

Drum Roll Please.....

Here it is the famous Med picture!!

I was lucky enough for the office to have some Menopur to give me, so this is everything minus those boxes I will get from them on Monday. It’s a little intimidating but I can handle it (I hope)!!

Notice the little good luck note the Pharmacy put in my box, I thought it was sweet .

Only 3 more days of BCP's!! J

I might be going crazy.

*Let me start off with a disclaimer I really do love my job I enjoy my work my boss has been really great and “most” of my co-workers are pretty amazing.

With that said ahhhh my job is driving crazy!!

I have honestly been the busiest I have been in forever I feel like my office is closing in on me. In the last week I have had the executive director and the co-executive director drop pretty projects on my desk (mind you neither one are my direct supervisors). I know I can get it done .But really now?  I have been working like crazy the last few weeks and between acupuncture, RE appointments and trying to live a “healthy” life style I think I might be going crazy. To top this all off, my front office receptionist is moving to a new position within the agency. That mean I have to try to get a new receptionist in here by the 28^th which will be her last day also my scheduled egg retrieval. I have already started looking for applicants I had almost 300 resumes in my in-box waiting for me today (I really should get to those). This mean I will be interviewing right in the middle of my cycle. Yesterday I just really felt overwhelmed and left my office in tears I even had to cancel my acupuncture appointment I didn’t think I could sit for an hour and “relax.” I was a mess. I think between work my sister drama and this whole IVF thing really happening I’m a bit of an emotional wreck. DH was sweet last night and really tried making me feel better but it didn’t really work I was in bed and asleep by 7:30 last night (who does that?) I’m hoping a good night’s rest is what I needed. I’m trying to look at the positive and maybe me being so busy at work will actual make the cycle easier I won’t have to much time to stress out about what’s coming up.

At least I have my cute socks to smile about!

Only 5 more days of BCP’s J

Totally Bananas!

Have I mentioned that I am a total reality show junkie? It’s a bad bad thing I always swear I’m going to stay away but there I go. DH often tells me I should be ashamed of myself and I am a little but, Im also ashamed of my love for cupcakes but that doesn’t stop me from eating them. Ok well on to what Im actually blogging about.

I totally had a Rachel Zoe moment last night the way she talks on her show when she totally falls in love with a piece of clothing is pretty much how I felt yesterday when I came across these socks. There no Versace but, I fell in love with them just the same! I like totally “Die” for these socks I’m obsessed!

Right?! Aren’t they the cutest ever? Ok, maybe not ever but they are pretty close I mean come on who doesn’t love a Kuala bear? And with a baby on its back! I wish they were both white but I STILL LOVE THEM! I plan on wearing one of each on retrieval and transfer days!

That stung.....

The pharmacy called and let us know what are RE prescribed and let me know they would be sending them over on Tuesday. Although I am so so excited about this and it means it’s really happening this time (knock on wood) it also comes with frustration.

We were blessed to get approved by  Compassionate Care program (Life Line)  and have most of our meds paid for about $3,000 worth but Life line only pays for certain types of protocols and  one my RE has me on, they do not cover. With that said out went another $900. But again I’m thankful I know it could have been much much worse but it kills me that here in California there is no coverage for IVF. Thankfully we had enough money put away so that when are RE told us it was pretty much now or never we were able to go for it but I know not all couples are so lucky and well it really pisses me off. Ok well there is my rant for Monday morning. Hope you all had a great weekend.

Only 7 more days of BCP's!!!! J

Confused..

I don’t even know where to start this or that I should even write it but here it goes.

I guess I will start off by telling you that my two sisters and I have always been very close. They really are my best friends we have shared some really tough times in life that have only brought us closer. With that said the last 6 or so month’s things have changed at least between me and my older sister.

 My sister knows what I have been going through and hasn’t called me once to see how thing are going. This is someone that I used to talk to everyday sometimes a few times a day. A few months back before my last IVF cycle was going to start, I noticed her pulling away not returning my calls or she would always be very short with me. I wasn’t going to constantly be calling her to update her I really began to feel like I was a bother. Than my surgery came and she was really upset that she found out from my mom and that I didn’t call and tell her. She told my mom that all I seemed to care about were my friends. This really hurt I have always put my family first and yes there are a few friends that I am very close to but this isn’t a new development. I feel like she has really dropped the ball and put it on me. When my mom told me this I was pretty upset and not really sure how to handle it. After my surgery she came to visit and I asked her what has been going on why things are changing between us. She started crying and told me that she just didn’t know what to say to me anymore that she can’t relate to what I’m going through and it’s hard for her. To be honest it really pissed me off believe me I know that she doesn’t know “exactly” what I’m going through and I don’t expect her too. But before me niece was born she suffered two miscarriages that were really difficult for her and I was there every step of the way calling making sure everything was ok at the time I didn’t know how she felt but that didn’t change that she was my sister and she needed me. I told her that I didn’t need her to know what I was going through I just needed her to be my sister and I really felt like she wasn’t there for me. I used to talk to her about everything and now that I’m going through the hardest thing I have ever had to face she has just disappeared. She promised she would make a better effort.

Here we are a few months later and nothing. I called her the day of my last RE appointment left a message (of course she didn’t answer) that I thought we were a go and how excited I was and to call me back when she got a chance. I never got a phone call. Than the weekend came and the hubby was going to a card show with his dad and my mom called and asked if I wanted to drive with her out to my nephew’s game. I figured it would be a good time to catch up with my sister and see my adorable niece and nephew so I decided to go. Even though I was a little upset I used to know when everyone of my nephews games were but apparently she stopped telling me because I was to wrapped up in my own life (her words).

Anyways I tried talking to her about what was going on and to be honest she didn’t seem like she cared much when I mentioned the dates for our upcoming IVF she seemed to care more about how it was going to interrupt Thanksgiving and my nephew’s birthday party than anything. I really tried hard not to take it personal at my nephew’s games she tends to turn into one of the psycho parents that is screaming the whole time. I thought I would give her the benefit of the doubt and call her on Sunday and Monday and Tuesday (you can see where this is going) Of course no answer and no call back again I tried not to take it personal and just assumed she was busy. Than last night DH and I went over to my parents for dinner. My mom told me about how her and my sister had talked (Monday and Tuesday) about Thanksgiving.

It pretty much infuriated me. So apparently she answers my mom’s calls just not mine. I just feel really hurt I told my mom how I felt and she told me and I quote “you know her she has always been a little self absorbed and she has been under a lot of stress remodeling her home”. (I didn’t even know she was re-modeling)

I mean seriously!!! What was I thinking here she is re-modeling her home and I expect her to return a phone call the nerve of me! I really just feel like I’m done! If she doesn’t want to be a part of this or it is just too hard for her then fine but I don’t want to hear crap about me caring to much about my friends!

In all honestly I feel like she is just selfish. She is used to me dropping everything on the drop of a dime for her and her family she has told me more than once that I have no excuse not to show up or do something because I don’t have kids. Well I do have an excuse and it’s me amd my "family"! I am putting myself first for once in life and apparently she doesn’t like that too much.  I used to be everywhere and do everything and the last 6 months it hasn’t been that way but I really thought she would understand.

I feel really hurt and just plain angry. I have always put more effort into our relationship and now that I need her to put in the work she hasn’t.

Should I be more understanding? Do I need to just let it go?

....

Short and Sweet

Wohooo November is here! This means only 17 days until we officially start are meds. I am so damn excited today. Not only will I be starting Meds this month but this means Thanksgiving and my family’s annual tamale party is just around the corner!

Luckily I was in a great mood yesterday too. Have you ever had someone start up a conversation looking for a fight? Well that’s what I got last night.  And boy was I pissed. Luckily I respect this person and choose to bit my tongue, but I’m not going to let that bring me down today I am a happy lady!

Scatter brained

The post is going to be all over the place. So I am apologizing in advance!

My baby radar is at an all-time high. I feel like I can hear a baby cry from a mile away Im pretty sure this is a recent development. I caught myself more than once this weekend staring at mothers and their children. At my younger brothers basketball game on Saturday there was the cutest little baby girl I must have been staring to hard because Im pretty sure the mom noticed and gave me the bit of the stink eye. I didn’t mean to do it I think I just started to day dream. I’m sure I would have been creped out had roles been reversed.

I’m totally going to change subjects here but on Saturday I also went to see my nephew play baseball I hadn’t seen my niece or nephew since they visited after my surgery. They are both the cutest things! My niece came running over when she seen me and when I went down to pick her up she took a step back put her hands up and said “wait is your coco ok” the concern in her face was the cutest thing ever. I told her “yes I was all better” she smiled and gave me the sweetest hug.

Ok I’m changing subjects again….

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I had started stims and got a crazy reaction and broke out in hives everywhere. Is that even possible? I have wanted to Google it but I’m afraid of the answer. I am really trying to stay away of roaming the internet I think it only stresses me out. Will see how long that last.

Hope you all have a Happy Halloween we don’t tend to get to many tricker treaters down are block but I bought a small bag of candy in hope of seeing a few ghosts and goblins!

Here are some cake pops I made for my co-workers

         This is my adorable niece and nephew and my crazy little brother in the background!

Update

Nurse called “We’re a go” her words!!

FHS 7.4 and Estradiol  27

Not sure how I’m feeling. Yesterday I was actually a little down and I couldn’t shake it.  I was so excited just a few days ago and now I think I am just a ball of nerves. Today I am determined to have a better day!

Took my first BC last night 17 more to go!

Cautiously optimistic ....

Just got back from my day 3 testing.

I really got myself all worked up for nothing the nurse I dealt with was great.  The Dr. ahh, not so much but it was bearable.  During the ultra sound I told her about my Ovary being stuck to the pelvic wall she told me that it didn’t look like it was going to be a problem because it was stuck below the uterus. But my Dr. would let me know for sure. She seen 6 follicles in my one little lonely ovary but its1 up from the last time we went through this. So as long as my tests come back normal today it looks like we’re a go. I want to get excited but I’ve been here before.

Here is my tentative schedule

Start Birth Control today 10/27 through 11/14.

11/14- In office for ultrasound, estradiol levels and med class.

11/17- Start Micro Dose Lupron

11/19- Start Gonal F+ Menopar

11/21- Monitoring

Monitoring -11/23 and every day after depending on response to meds.

Egg aspiration tentatively 11/28.

Now we wait for the phone call…..

From one freak out to another...

I am feeling a little better today about the whole RE thing. I knew I was going to have to see a different RE at the clinic eventually so I guess I might as well get it over with.

But now for my next freak out….

I had my post op yesterday with my OB. He said everything went well during the Laparoscopy and that I did have a lot going on in there. Apparently I had so much scar tissue my fallopian tube had attached itself to just about everything it could. It was attached to my uterus, bowel, bladder and pelvic wall. This explains my 4 hour surgery. He didn’t see anything else when he was in there and said that my uterus looked good to go. Then he told me that my ovary (my only one) was stuck my pelvic wall. Of course I freaked out; I asked him what that meant as far as my IVF. He didn’t think it would be a problem. Unfortunately he is not my RE so he didn’t give me too much comfort.

Of course me being the total spaze that I am went home and tried to Google it every way I could but nothing really came up. I only read one article that said it possibly means they would not be able to reach the ovary vaginally so they would have to do Laparoscopy for the retrieval but this is not as accurate since they are unable to do an ultrasound at the same time (hello sleepless night). So now I went from one freak out to another.  I already sent my nurse an e-mail first thing this morning letting her now what my OB told me. I am hoping that I will be hearing back from her shortly letting me know not to worry. (fingers crossed)

Just when you think you’re feeling good….BAM! The roller coaster takes a dive!

Freaking out!

I just got off the phone with my nurse at the clinic to schedule my day 3 testing and she informed me that both her and my RE will not be in the office on Thursday so another Dr. will be performing my ultrasound and a different nurse will be going over my calender this really has me freaked out. I can feel my anxiety building already! She told me it will be fine and that all the Dr. Are great and that they all work as a team. I seen a few RE before Dr. Chung and she is really the only Dr. I have felt comfortable with.

Ready...

Feeling just about as gitty as a schoolgirl!!

To top off my great weekend, AF showed up this morning just the beginning signs but still its here!! This mean I will call my clinic either later today or tomorrow depending on when it really shows up and we will get this ball rolling!

I thought it would be here around the 25^th but I had gotten myself all worked up thinking that the surgery might have screwed up my rotation but, nope. I am just so excited to get this all going again I mean are last cycle was canceled two days before we started stims. I know there are still plenty of things that can stop us in our tracks but today I am just thrilled. I called DH on my way in to work and told him the news. He didn’t get all gitty (dang boys:/) but I could tell in his voice he was excited.

I am feeling really positive about this whole thing I have never been more ready. Emotionally and physically I am feeling great. Is it crazy for me to think this is really going to work? In my hearts of hearts I feel it! Maybe I’m just delusional and in a few months I will be kicking myself for being so hopeful.

I just can’t wait to become a parent. I am ready to be called mommy I hope and pray it’s our time.

Pictures!

Having such a great weekend. The weather has been so nice normally out here is Southern California nice days are often followed with smog but, not this weekend it had been crystal clear. DH and I have spent the weekend outside and are finishing it off with a nice BBQ for dinner!

As promised in my previous post Family Portraits. Here are a few of my favorites that were just sent over! I really love them.

Hope you all are having a great weekend!