Breaking down the wall...

I think me and Nick are starting to break down are imaginary wall. Up until this point I think we have just stated the facts doctors, finances, treatment ect. We haven’t really gotten too emotionally with it, which I think I will take most of the blame for. I don’t think I was letting myself or anybody else get excited about what’s to come. I have really decided to have a better outlook on the future and believe this is going to happen for us. I could feel Nick’s excitement but he couldn’t express it and this has really begun to wear on me I knew he was holding back for me.

The other night I told him about my “ah ha” moment when I realized for this to happen I/we have to believe it’s going to happen. He fully agreed and told me he was already there he believed it was going to happen of course he was nervous but he still believed. I cried and told him my concerns, fears and once again he was all I needed. He reassured me that things would be ok regardless of the outcome and that he loved me and nothing could change that. I feel like we really talked for the first time about not just about the facts but real “us” talk.  To top it off he even sent me flowers to work the card read “together we can only get stronger”. Isn’t he great?? I’ll answer that Yes, he’s great!!

More than I bargained for....

 INFERTILITY for Dummies…… Not exactly a romantic love story but it still made me cry like a baby.

Nick and I came across this book well sitting in the waiting room at USC fertility. We bought ourselves a copy last week. I was hoping it would answer some of my questions and help me better understand what I should expect the next few months. Well I got a little more than I bargained for.

I was sitting in my office highlighting a few areas that I thought Nick should read when I felt myself getting more and more emotional. Lucky for me I have one of my best friends Amalia (I should mention she is also a therapist) in the office across from me. I told her I’m not sure it was the best idea to read this book it feels way to real!!! She is always good at helping me get to the “real problem”. As we were talking I realized I have only imagined the IVF not working I haven’t let myself image it working. I actually had never let myself imagine being pregnant more less being a mother, ever! I was told at a very young age that it would be hard for me to ever conceive so I think I just blocked it out.Amalia told me she had been listening to the radio that morning and herd a woman telling her life story. The woman was talking about how she believes you have to believe something is going to happen for it to happen!! Amalia said she thought of me when she heard it. The truth is I didn’t want myself to believe it could work I felt like the let down would be even harder. But there I go assuming its not going to work and then I thought why am I doing this if I don’t think it’s going to work. She suggested I take sometime to myself and really imagine the IVF working and being pregnant and being a mother.

 I took her advice and this past Saturday I sat in my backyard and well I cried my eyes out. It was a good cry it took me to a much more positive place. Of course I am still going to approach this with caution but I am much more optimistic.

I could start at the beginning but that would take us to many years back so we are going to fast-forward threw all the doctor’s visits surgery’s and crying nights to my last surgery which was in October 2009 when I woke up to my doctor telling me”I’m going to have your husband talk to you” never a good sign.

Nick my husband came to me with the bravest face he could and told me “they saved your ovary but your fallopian tube is blocked” to most this wouldn’t seem that bad but as a child I had one of my ovaries and fallopian tube removed so this was devastating. I was sad, mad and everything in-between but most I was disappointed that my body let me down once again and this time it wasn’t just me it was disappointing I have a great husband to think about!

It took me time to finally go see a specialist I think I was in denial. The truth is I had a plan and IVF was not part of “the plan”, well not yet anyways. Nick and I had been saving up for our first home and were finally going to start looking when our specialist told us we didn’t have much time left before she felt my ovary would stop producing she asked us if we were ready to consider IVF. We told her that we really wanted to get into a home first. Then she told us “I have so many couples that come in here and tell me I did it the right way I got married I bought the house and now you’re telling me I can’t have the baby?” Well I guess the light went off!! Nick and I decided that the house would have to wait and the money we have saved would go towards IVF which most know is a pretty penny haha who am I kidding it’s a few pretty pennies.

Which brings us to this past Tuesday when we went and seen Dr. Chung at USC Fertility. I was more nervous than I thought I would be the morning of I think I actually got myself sick, Nick was too he just won’t admit it (he puts on a brave face for me). We showed up to our appointment an hour early. Downtown LA is a little ways from us, so we wanted to be sure we were on time. As we sat there waiting I thought “wow we are really here”. I wish I could say I was excited but that’s not what I was feeling, all I could think about is what if this doesn’t work. For so long I said “there is always IVF” now I’m starring IVF in the face it all felt and still feels very finale.

Dr. Chung and the staff at USC Fertility were all great I left feeling relieved that we picked the right place. I’m not sure what I expected the time line to be but, it is much quicker than anything I had in mind. It looks like Nick, me and the friends and family we take along for the ride are in for a bumpy next few months. We invite you on our journey…..