Family Portraits

I think there may be permanent imprints in my bed were I have been lying this last week. But the good news is I am back to work today my throat is still pretty sore but I didn’t think it would make difference if I was lying in bed or sitting at my desk. I have been sitting at home worried about my work that was piling up so, I’m glad I’m back.

With the complication I had after surgery I had a few, is this really all worth it moments. I have to be honest the pain in my throat was one of the worst pains I have ever felt at moments I thought I can’t take this another minute. But I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it even though they did bunch up a few times lol.  I know this will all be worth it!

I have to tell you my DH was amazing through this whole process again I really don’t know how I got so lucky even though I got yelled at a few times for walking to the bathroom without telling him. I swear he thought I was going to pass out or something whenever I made a move he was right there. After the Dr. scrapped my throat in the ER I looked over and DH was in tears. Here I was crying and I asked him what’s wrong he said “babe that was the worst thing I’ve ever seen I wish they could of did it to me instead.” He looked so cute and believe me I would not have had a problem with him stepping in lol.

Well on bed rest I also did something I didn’t think I wanted to do until after we had our little one or two ;). I booked us an appointment to get FAMILY pictures taken. I have been in love with this photographer my friend used at her wedding that I follow on Facebook. She always posts newborn/wedding/family photos and I just love every one of them. I have wanted to take photos with her forever but have never found a reason. I also told myself she will be the first person I call after our little one or two comes, to book our appointment. Then on Friday she posted an ad for a Fall Special for Family portraits at a local apple orchard. At first I didn’t think anything other than I knew the picture would turn out great and it would be silly for the 2 of us to take “family” pictures. I even went as far as looking on her website under family portraits to see if there were any couples of course there wasn’t. Than I thought the only professional pictures me and DH have taken were almost 6 years ago or 3 years ago if our wedding counts. Since our wedding I have lost almost 90 pounds so I thought hey there’s my excuse and we are our own little FAMILY even if it is just the two of us. I was really proud of myself for booking the appointment and I can hardly wait till October 16 for our appointment. I will be shopping for an outfit this weekend. J I will be sure to post them!

Physically and emotionally drained

Last time I blogged was Thursday the 22nd. I said recovery was going good boy was I wrong. That night I ended up back in the hospital. Apparently during the surgery the tube that was in my throat cut my Uvula. My body was apparently trying to protect the uvula and there was some strange mass that was growing off of the uvula it had grown to almost a 1 ½ Inches and I was pretty much chocking on it. Yes, very gross. When I got to the ER 3 different doctors and about 7 nurses came in and pretty much had the same reaction which was “WOW that’s a nasty looking thing.” Each Dr. tried to pull it off (me screaming in pain) with no success. That thing had really attached itself. Finally a specialist came in and he pretty much scrapped it off (me awake gagging and crying from pain). During the process he applied quite a bit of pressure to my stomach which then opened my incision in my belly button. Yeah it was not a good night. Unfortunately ever since my throat has been in excruciating pain today is the first day I can actually talk without my throat feeling like its on fire. In the last 4 days I think I have slept about 6 hrs and the most of eaten has been a piece of banana (the pain is that bad). I am hoping today is a little better.

On a good note, on top of all of this I got my period (yay me) this means on my next cycle I will start our IVF so we are looking at the middle of October.

Hopefully I will be a little more active in the blogger world once I actually have some energy.

Surgery went good..Recovery not so much

Dropping by to give a quick update. The surgery went well although it lasted alot longer then expected it was almost four hours. My poor husband said him and my mom were really beginning to freak out when Dr. Warren finally came out. Apparently there was a lot going on in there. The good news is that he was able to remove the entire tube along with a lot of scar tissue. He said that it really looked good in there and that we are good to start our IVF.

Now for my recovery. That hasn't been going so smoothly. They had suggested for me to stay over night at the hospital they wanted to control the pain and I was really nauseate. I told them that I was feeling ok and really just wanted to go home, BAD IDEA. I wish I would have just stayed in the hospital. Last night was horrible I got home around 9pm and was up the whole night throwing up (TMI I know)and in excruciating pain. Dr. Warren called me this morning to check in. I let him know that I had been throwing up all night and that the medication he prescribed me was not helping with the pain. He called in a few different prescription and thankfully I have finally stopped throwing up and my pain is tolerable. Unfortanitly I still haven't been able to sleep. Im assuming its the pain medication. Sorry if the post doesn't make sense Im writting from my phone on only a few hours of sleep in the last 24. I will write again when Im feeling better.

INCAPABLE OF REPRODUCING

I received a call from my Dr. Yesterday in the bit of a panic.  He forgot to get me to sign a consent form and it needed to be done at least 72 hours before surgery. He said he had completely forgotten about the form until one of his nurses reminded him. It was the consent for sterilization (Yikes). Yes, I know exactly what I am going into surgery for but, to hear the word sterilization it made me almost throw up.It stated somewhere along the lines of by signing this you understand that you will be permanently incapable of reproducing.  My Dr. was quick to tell me you know this doesn’t all apply to you since you are going thru IVF. At the end of the day it does apply to me. I am INCAPABLE OF REPRODUCING at least on my own. It hurt it still hurts, to see it written out and my signature on the bottom. It was like I heard the news for the first time all over again. My DH didn’t understand why I was so upset he told me “It’s ok remembers we are doing IVF”. Of course I remember, how could I forget! I also know that IVF is no guarantee and with all the money one cycle is costing us we most likely will not be able to do another for years if ever. I don’t have years I already only have one ovary with low egg reserve. I am just feeling too overwhelmed. I know there are many women that are in my shoes but today I feel alone. Why is it that I cannot do the one thing so many women can? I know that no one has that answer. I also know that God has a plan for DH and I. I pray that plan is for us to bring our baby home one day.

One step closer

Yeah its official my laparoscopy is scheduled for next Tuesday!! I know it strange that I am excited about surgery! LOL the truth is I’m not. I am kind of freaking out even though I have been through this a time or two but, I am excited that we are getting one step closer to starting are IVF cycle. Let hope the next 5 days fly by so I don’t let myself stress out about it too much.

Like Night and Day.....

I went to see my old GYN Dr. Warren yesterday and it went great. While anything would be better considering what I went through with the GYN Kaiser tried to send me to. It’s amazing how a good doctor can change your whole attitude.

It looks like I could be having my laparoscopy as soon as next Tuesday. I should know for sure by tomorrow.  Dr. Warren was great he was the GYN that originally sent me to a Kaiser specialist which then sent me to my RE. I haven’t seen him since January and he didn’t know that we were doing IVF. When he walked in he gave me a DH a high five and said “great your doing it.” I had forgotten how much I liked him. He asked me what was discussed at the other GYNs office and I told him my horror story. He reminded me that it would be a difficult surgery but nothing he didn’t believe he could handle. He got right on the phone with the surgery center and asked them to re arrange his schedule to get us in. It was such a nice feeling seeing him make us a priority. My RE called me today and I told her how the appointment went. I let her know my GYN concerns and what he would do if any complication arose. She agreed with everything he said and told me that it sounded like I was in good hands.  So today I am feeling positive how long this will last who knows but I’m going to live for today.

I seen this quote earlier this week and thought I would share.

              To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

Support team!

Tomorrow is my Dr. Appointment with my GYN. I’m trying not to have any expectations but, it’s hard. I just keep praying it all goes smoothly and he can schedule my surgery in the very near future. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

In the mean time I thought I would introduce you to my support team. Although they might not always say the right things I know they all care about me and Nick so much. This Journey is so much easier with them along for the ride. Some of these pictures are from before my weight loss. (So dont mind my extra round face)

My Husband Nick of course. You have seen him but, I thought I would post another picture since he is so darn cute!

My parents!! They have been with me on every step of this journey. They are our biggest supporters!

My older sister Lorriane on the right. She has been on her own rollercoaster life has given her but she still has been there for me however she can.

My girlfriends <3 Racquel is on the left she is my listner. Im sure at times she thinks im crazy but she listens anyways. Amalia is in the middle Im not sure how I ever got through life without her. She gets me I can be myself with her even if thats passionate, critical, emotional, bitchy, and yes, very very crazy. I couldnt make it through work with out them.

My Sister and Mother In Law. They both have been so great through all of this. They love to research everything thats going on. They are like my very own "Dr. Google"

 

My not so little brother Jacob and my little sister Melissa. Somewhere along the lines these two grew up and have become great people. They remind me all the time that I am going to be a great mother someday.

And of course my little Missy. If she looks like she has an attitude its beacause she does but I love her anyways.



In sickness or health,for richer or poorer....

A week ago I thought that today we would be at USC Fertility picking up  Meds and taking our IVF education class. I wish I could say I wasn’t disappointed this morning but, that wouldn’t be the truth. I am disappointed but, I also have new found hope and faith.

This last week I have asked God on countless occasions WHY?  I didn’t get that answer but, he reminded how blessed I already am.

Nick and I got married a little over three years ago I don’t think either of us thought our vows would be tested so early on.

Since we have been married I couldn’t even begin to count the number of doctor’s appointment Nick has sat through with me. Very soon I will be having my second surgery since we have been married.  Unfortunately we are also dealing with all the financial struggles that IVF has brought with it. He works so hard to be a good provider. We had been so good at saving whatever we could to finally be able to buy our own home. But unfortunately this process is going to drain our entire savings and then some. At the moment we are living through the “poorer” end of our vows.

Through this entire process Nick has been our better half we all know the saying “OPPOSITE ATTRACK”. This is the case with me and Nick. I can be a bit loud/emotional/crazy/insane just to list a few. But not Nick he is Mr. Cool, calm and collective he doesn’t get worked up to often. He always has a level head. He puts on a brave face thru every one of those doctors visits and reminds me that we always find a way when dealing with our financial issues. I was reminded again of how great he was last week.

We have only let a handful of people know what had decided to go with IVF. When our cycle was canceled I eventually had to let the “chosen” few know. Unfortunately I felt like I was letting each of them down . They were all very sympathetic and supportive. I seemed to hear the same thing from most of them “It happened for a reason. It’s going to be OK, don’t get yourself to upset its not good for you.”

I do believe that this happened for a reason. Why? I don’t know but, to tell me not to be upset. I’ve always been told I’m “emotional” but doesn’t this give me a little pass to be emotional? If I want to cry I think I can cry. I mean if there was an off button to my emotions I would have pushed it a long time ago.

Thankfully there is Nick, my Rock! Last Friday I just couldn’t take being at work. I was feeling to overwhelmed and just plan sad. I went home jumped into my PJ’s and cried when Nick came home from work he didn’t say a word he just laid there with me and cried. It was really all I could have asked for. I didn’t need him to fix it or to tell me it was going to be ok.

 I think at times I forget we are going on this Journey together. When we both finally gathered ourselves he looked at me and said “I married you! I didn’t marry you plus babies of course I want babies with you but, if you are the only family I get I am a lucky man.” It meant so much to me to hear those words and he was right we are so lucky to have each other. Not everyone is lucky enough to feel loved unconditionally and I know when times get tough he isn’t going anywhere were going to fight through them together. I was given a great partner in life and I know we will be able to get thru this together. God knew this journey of creating a family wasn’t going to be easy for me so he sent me my Mr. Perfect to make it a little easier.

Now we wait.....

I am feeling a little better today. I thought I would better explain how my dreaded Wednesday went down. Yesterday’s blog took all the energy I had.

They day really did start out good. I had received all my final lab work I needed and got the call that my meds came in. I was feeling good. I think I was honestly getting a little impatient. I thought next Friday couldn’t come soon enough. Then Dr. Chung called I could tell from the way she said hello that it wasn’t good. She told me that the results from the HSG showed I had Hydrosalpinx. This is a fluid buildup in my blocked fallopian tube. Unfortunately if the fluid enters the endometrial cavity it alters the local environment or affects the embryo in a detrimental way. Dr. Chung told me we have two options one was to stop the IVF cycle and have surgery to have the tube removed or detached. Option two would be to go thru with the Egg retrieval and freeze the embryos. Then we discussed how pregnancy ratings drop with frozen embryos. I’m not sure why but, without even thinking I said I would go with option one.  She told me my next step would be to call my OBGY and get an appointment to schedule the procedure. HAHA easier said than done when you are dealing with Kaiser. I called to schedule an appointment with my OBGY and low and behold he didn’t have an available appointment until late October. I mean seriously, late October?!?! I almost lost it; OK I did lose it but just a little. When I explained to the nurse what was going on she told me to call and try to get in to see a different OBGYN just to get the ball rolling.  I did that and was able to see a new doctor the same day (yeah BAD idea) this lady was crazy or just plan insensitive. These were her first words when she came in “Let me understand this, you went in for surgery in “09” had a blocked tube and here we are two years later and you wont to do something about it?”. I’m not one that likes to resort to violence but I almost smacked her. There I was in this little paper rob feeling naked, empty from the day I had just had and now this lady was talking to me like I was an IDIOT! During all of this I don’t think she looked me in the face once. I then with the rudest tone I could gather without crying told her “NO!! Let me try to help you better understand this!!” Then I proceeded to tell her how I got to this point. She looked a little dumbfounded and just said “Well I would have to see what was in the OP report to even see what I can do”. I proceeded to remind her as nicely as I could that Kaiser always talks about how every doctor in there system can see your medical file with just a click of a button. So she should try checking my file9I think I was ready to boil over). She did just that, after a few moments of silence well she glanced over the notes from my last surgery. She looks at me and says and I quote “Well it looks like a war zone in there, I can’t guarantee anything but this is going to be a very difficult surgery” Then she went on about how I am all tangled up in there. My tube is connected to by bowel and my bladder with a whole bunch of scar tissue mixed in. Then went on about how there are so many risk of complications just to name a few she could cut my bowl then have to put in a bag so that it doesn’t cause and infection or she could damage the ovary well trying to get around the cyst and as she so nicely put it “then you would be a 27 year old in menopause with no children”. Wasn’t she so reassuring?

 I could go on and on about how awful this appointment was because, believe me it felt like it went on forever. But eventually I left her office in tears and called the nurse from my OBGYN office, the one that did my previous surgery. I think she felt my pain and frustration. She told me she was able to find me an appointment for September 13 (WOHOO what a relief). I called my nurse at USC fertility after and told her what happened at my appointment. She reassured me that Dr. Chung had looked at all my film and if she thought there was a chance of them having to remove my Ovary that she wouldn’t have given me two options that gave me a little relief. SO now I have to sit and wait until the 13^th and see what my OBGYN says.

But now I’m just left here wondering if maybe we should have went thru with the cycle and froze the embryos. But I can play the what if game forever.  I think sometimes you have to just trust in your instincts so that what I’m doing.

Thank you for all the kind words. This whole process can make you feel so alone. It’s nice to know that there are woman out there that understand.

Feeling Defeated

Not really sure were to start this. But I guess I will just say it, our IVF has been CANCELLED!! Dr called yesterday and told me the HSG showed I have Hydrosalpinx which is a snazzy word for liquid in the tube. This liquid is dangerous and the Dr. Chung does not want to go thru with the IVF until I either have the tube removed or clipped away. I feel so numb. Yesterday started off great. The nurse called from USC to tell us our Meds had arrived. Then the nurse at Kaiser called with my genetics test and told me everything was good. Then I got an e-mail from my other Dr. at Kaiser with the rest of my blood work pap smear ect. Everything was good. I t was like everything was falling into place then “SHE” called. I mean recently for the first time in this process I started to have a little hope. Then we got the money for the meds and I felt so relived.  That relief was so short lived.

 I really feel like I just got punched in the stomach. I just don’t understand. I’m not really sure what else to say .Now I wait for my appointment on the 13^th at Kaiser and see when they can schedule the surgery. Im sure I will write again soon when I have more to say. Today this is all I have.