Great news!

we were able to go through with the retrival!! It was such a great moment after are ultrasound to confirm we would be able to go through with it our RE left the room DH and I broke down we were so happy we are still a long way from being where we want but we hit another milestone in this crazy journey! After the retrival my RE came in and said "we pulled 7 lucky number 7" she had no idea DH and I had been refering to "them" as the lucky 7! Thank You all again for your kind words!

Quick update

went into my RE office yesterday. apparently they have only had this hapen two other times both times they were still able to do a retrival. they took an ultra sound and than i heard quit the conversation amongst the doctors at the clinic. one seem to think the images showed i would be ovulating very soon and thought we should still move forward with retrival yesterday. Two other doctors thought that we should still wait for my bloodwork anf holdoff until today. To say that my stomach has been in knots would be an understatement. My RE called last night and said that my numbers looked promising. This morning we are going in hoping and praying i did not already ovulate. They will do an ultrasound first and if everything looks ok we will go through with the retrival. The last few days have been field with anger,fustration and doubt. Im not sure why these thing keep happening but I know now more than ever how strong DH and I are. I know God will bring us through this.  Thank You all so much for yiur kind words and support  it has ment so much to me. hopefully my next post will bring good news. sorry for all the errors im on my phone and its 5 in the morning.

We took a dive....

I just got a call from my RE apparently my hcg did not rise. she thinks i got a bad dose. This means no retrival tomorrow. DH and i are driving to pick up a new dosage and pray that my estradiol rises tomorrow. in my re words we will try to salvage this cycle. if not than nothing. she said this has only happened very few times. why me?

Update:

Ok well I have gathered myself a little. My RE called and said although I had no traces of HCG my estradol level did rise so thats a good thing,. We just got back from picking up Novadrel Im supposed to take it at 11:30pm tonight in hopes to have a retrival on Wedensday. Ovidral is what I took last night. Has this ever happened to anyone? My RE said this rarely happens. She said we are hoping to go in tomorrow and my estradol level rises. Im trying really hard to be positive but the truth is Im freaking out. I havent taken any other stims since yesterday morning when I took microdose Lupron. Is there even a chance of this working? Will I ovulate on my own, will my eggs be to old? Both my RE and nurse seem to feel confident but part of me feels thats what they have to do.

MIA

Im feeling a little disconnected I think this has been my longest stretch without blogging. I wish I had enough energy to gather up something great to post but that is not the case so today you will get bullet points.

·         Thanksgiving was a great success. It wasn’t anything big this year but it was still great. My little brother said the prayer and asked God for a new niece or nephew at the table next year (I cried) than we played Taboo until we couldn’t laugh anymore.

·         Black Friday = EPIC Fail, this was my first year not going out with my mom. I had absolutely no energyL.

·         Monitoring check #3 11/26/11. Two new follicles joined the party but they were too little to late the doctor said. We also had a few slow growers so the Doc decided to do one more day of meds. So this moved my retrieval till tomorrow instead of today.

·         Monitoring Check #4 11/27/11. Met with my actual RE and she seemed very pleased with the way my lucky 7 were coming along. (The smallest was 15mm and my largest was 21.3mm) She seemed pleasantly surprised which almost made me cry, OK maybe I cried a little.

·         Last night  Early this morning at exactly 12:45am we did our trigger shot. DH and I were both so excited we almost cried. We shared the most amazing moment. I love that man.

·         This morning I went in for blood work and to sign consent forms. I can’t believe I made it this far.

I am feeling so excited today. I can’t wait to get to my RE office tomorrow.

Oh and ofcourse there are some updates "Dressed from the ankles down"

Blogger Awards!!!

A BIG THANK YOU to Kayla over at Life is Simple, Its just not easy who gave me my first blogger award! 

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers

with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The 5 Blogs below are the ones that I personally want to award for being awesome:

1.   waiting and wishing

2.       Lauren @ The Yoakum crew... and a foster dog or 2!   

3.       LC @ Still Dreaming

4.       Mrs. H @ Mrs H my life unscripted

5.       Lanie @ Unruffled Lanie



2nd monitoring appointment..

Things seem to be moving right along. No new follicles to report. Only the same 7 which I’m happy with 7 is a lucky number. Hopefully luck is sending me a sign that it is sticking around for a while (Let’s hope).

The doctor said everything was looking as should be expected and the lucky 7 are all pretty close in size.  So that makes me happy. Unfortunately I have this ridiculous head cold that has knocked me on my butt. Between that and these meds my mind is completely gone. I am surprised I am even posting anything today. I feel like I can’t focus on anything. Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom and she asked me “are you even listening?” The truth is I wasn’t, it wasn’t like I was doing anything else I am just out of it.

I hope I get my mind back soon!!

Don’t forget to check out “Dressed from the ankles down”

Welcome ICLWers

For those of you stopping by my blog for the first time, I’m Jessica I’m 27 and married to an amazing man living in beautiful Southern California.  You have caught me in the middle of my first IVF (praying it’s my only) cycle and with a bad head cold (I will save that for another post). 

Here is a piece of an old post (8/25/11) that tells you a little of our story.

 I am a newbie to IVF and I am still attempting to master IVF lingo, yet my story in the world of fertility problems began over 20 years ago when I was only six years old. During most of my first grade year I struggled with abdominal pain, doctor visits and finally being diagnosed with a tumor that had grown and wrapped itself around my right ovary and fallopian tube that resulted in the removal of them all. At the time of surgery I had no Idea what it all meant and was completely oblivious to any future implications in regards to my ability to becoming a parent. All I remember is that the first grade wasn’t easy and being held back a year due to missing school too often was devastating.

            At the age of 14 I was back at the hospital for the removal of a large cyst that had developed on my left ovary and that was growing very rapidly. The doctor discussed with my parents the possibility of having to remove my ovary; I can still picture my mother with tears in her eyes telling me about the possibility of not being able to have children. Thankfully they were able to remove the cyst without any complications. This scenario repeated itself again when I was seventeen years old and when I was twenty years old. It was then that I met the love of my life, my husband Nick. Early on in the relationship I felt the responsibility to share with him my fertility problems as to give him the opportunity to decide if he wished to continue to pursue a relationship with a woman who might not be able to conceive a child, or as my parents presented to Nick when he asked for my hand in marriage, “she might have baby making issues.” It was painful to hear my parents say those words despite the fact that growing up with these medical issues had pushed me to never imagine myself as a mother. I guess deep down I had never lost hope.

My feelings of fear and hope in being able to conceive became all too real in late 2009 when a new cyst that was larger than my ovary was found. The cyst was growing at an alarming rate and therefore it would require surgery. I did not fear the surgery as I had the other times. This time the feelings had changed. Up until then, my fertility problems had been a shared experience between my parents and I, now there was Nick sitting next to me at the doctor’s office listening to the possibility of having to remove my only ovary and crushing any possibility of us as a couple being able to conceive a child. I felt the worst I had ever felt thus far in my life because it had been one thing for my body to let me down but it was another to see it hurting my husband. Nick put on a brave face and told me it would be fine but, I could tell by the look on his face his hope was being tested.

I went into surgery not knowing what my future could hold and woke up to Nick telling me that the doctor had been able to save my ovary.  There was short lived hope in hearing his words followed by sorrow.  Nick informed me about my fallopian tube being completely blocked due to damage from scar tissue from my other surgeries and thus eliminated any possibility of being able to conceive on our own.  I just cried and cried and cried. I cried for three days straight. I cry again as I relive that day. It was then that we were given the referral for the fertility specialist and it took about a year for me to process my thoughts and feelings surrounding IVF and manage the courage to fight for the ability to conceive and carry a child with the help of IVF. 

Earlier I mentioned that for years I had never imagined myself as a mother and believed that I would be okay if I never had my own children. Truth be told, I have been practicing my mothering skills from an early age.  My parents worked a lot when I was a teenager and I took on many duties in our home in their absence. My little sister leaving for college has been one of my proudest and most difficult moments in my life. At my wedding my little brother gave a speech saying, “you are my second mom, please don’t forget me.”  Although they are not my children, I believe that I have contributed to creating the people they are today and I’m very proud of that.

Then there is Nick, he is such a warm and caring man. I could not have asked for a better partner in life. One of our favorite things to do is have our nieces and nephews over for the weekend. Seeing the way Nick interacts with them and how they just love him makes me fall in love with him all over again. It is in those moments that I can picture what our life with our own children could be. When my seven year old nephew told Nick, “you are my favorite uncle,” Nick almost cried, I almost cried.

I believe Nick and I have mastered the skills of being a good brother, sister, aunt and uncle and now we are ready to be the best Mommy and Daddy we know we can be. Nick and I made a commitment to each other in marriage and now we have made our commitment to our children in being able to find the strength and means to explore all possibilities that could lead us into becoming parents. We have never wanted anything more in life and we hope every day that our baby girl Leena or baby boy Brayden come into our lives because they will be loved more than words could ever express. We just need science to help us to make that happen.

Thank you for stopping by...

Out of it

I really am I feel like my mind is somewhere else. I better snap out of it soon because I have way to much work to do in this short work week. With that said this is going to be short and sweet. 

Today is day 5 of meds and well, those little Bitches I mean injections are begging to hurt! The first few days I was like this is easy schemezy lol Boy was I fooled. I tried to convince DH to let me stick him with one of our UN-used syringes. Yeah that was a NO GO. I think it’s only fair he thinks I’m crazy (maybe just a little). On a good note he has become quiet the professional at jammin those needles in!

Today was my first monitoring appointment. Everything looked good the Doc said everything looked just as it should. There are 7 follicles growing right now all around the same size (quality over quantity). So I’m happy about that. 

Look for my new Tab “Dressed from the ankles down”

Blogger Mail

I wanted to give a big Thank You! To my blogger friend over at waiting and wishing for the package I had waiting for me when I got home today. I love my socks and the bookmark is great its already being put to use!

Well we did our first Microdose Lupron injection this morning. It wasn’t too bad but I really wish we would have recorded the whole ordeal. DH really wants to be a part of this whole thing so he is insisting on giving all of the injection haha. This from the man that is afraid of needles! Let’s just say it didn’t go down as planned I ended up actually sticking myself with the needle but he wanted to put the meds in lol it was funny. He swears he will be more comfortable tonight. Will see!

He was so darn cute this morning I had to take a picture! I LOVE THIS MAN!

Oh and apparently I don’t have a sense of humor. One of my friends posted this on facebook last night and needless to say I didn’t repost. Some people need to be slapped!

         "I'M EXPECTING :) 6 weeks!! i know its crazy ain't it? i can't believe it myself. i wasn't going to put  it on here but i wanted to make it official.. i mean who would have guessed that we're expecting!!! yup its official... we are expecting Christmas in just 6 weeks!!! re-post if you have any sense of humor;) LOL"

Quality over Quantity

I am going to try to live by this the next few weeks.

I’m not sure why I let myself get so worked up yesterday. I’ve known going into this that I have only one ovary with low egg reserve. So why I cried over this again yesterday is beyond me. Going in my Dr. told me remember your young and its quality over quantity. I think I forgot that yesterday, I don’t want to keep having these melt down over things that are out of my control. Especially something I knew going in! So I decided to put a few reminders in my office and at home here are the ones in my office.

I'm not sure you can see it but to the left of my computer is a pic of me and DH an over it is written

Quality over Quantity!

Here is one of my fun bulletin board I have in my office 

I'm hoping all of these small reminders will keep me mind from wandering into the negative!!

Oh and I forgot, the nurse called yesterday and we are a go. DH and I are going in for are med class today and will start Microdose Lupron on Thursday!!!

Just get through today

Let me start off with the Good news before I have a petty party for myself.

This is totally UN IVF related but me and DH went on a date night this past Saturday. We haven’t been out to any of our local Casinos in years so we decided to go test our luck! Good thing we did I will spare you all the details but I hit one of the small jackpots and won $5000 (freaking amazing) I mean seriously I was left speechless. We had already won a little over $1000 before I hit this. So it was a great night!!

The crazy thing is when we had gotten are meds and received the good luck note. My first thought was, does luck have anything to do with it? I thought, well I hope luck is on my side. Well luck showed up on Saturday night and I pray it sticks around for the next few months!!

Ok on to my appointment today.

I have to say I almost cried when the Dr. left the office after my ultra sounds and physical. This is going to be TMI but apparently my Va jay jay is slightly discolored which is a sign of low insulin (seriously?) and apparently a sign on getting Diabetes later in life also the Dr. (not my own) told me and I quote” you have really lumpy breast nothing I would be too concerned about though.” I mean seriously I was about 5 minutes into my appointment and I was told I have a funky colored Va jay jay and lumpy breast!! (It’s a little funny when I think about it now) Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling great by the time we actually got to the magic wand!!

During the ultra sound the Dr. pointed out a cyst in my Ovary that I wasn’t told about last time. I specifically remember the last Dr. point to that same object and telling me it was a lg follicle. The Dr. told me no that it was even in the notes from my last appointment and that she seen 5 follicles and 1 cyst. Um excuse me last time I was there they told me 6 follicles and never mentioned a cyst I mean come on I’m pretty sure this is something I would remember. She told me not to worry about it. That she doesn’t think it is messing with my hormones level because it would have showed up last time. She thinks?  That’s just not what I wanted to hear. Now I have to wait for the call later today to here if we are still a go.

I’m really not sure how I’m going to get through all of this. I’m really a mess right now. I don’t know what I was expecting going into this appointment. I mean I knew my ovary wasn’t going to magically have more follicles. I think when I go in its just such a reminder that my body isn’t normal and well that makes me sad, pissed and everything in between!

Drum Roll Please.....

Here it is the famous Med picture!!

I was lucky enough for the office to have some Menopur to give me, so this is everything minus those boxes I will get from them on Monday. It’s a little intimidating but I can handle it (I hope)!!

Notice the little good luck note the Pharmacy put in my box, I thought it was sweet .

Only 3 more days of BCP's!! J

I might be going crazy.

*Let me start off with a disclaimer I really do love my job I enjoy my work my boss has been really great and “most” of my co-workers are pretty amazing.

With that said ahhhh my job is driving crazy!!

I have honestly been the busiest I have been in forever I feel like my office is closing in on me. In the last week I have had the executive director and the co-executive director drop pretty projects on my desk (mind you neither one are my direct supervisors). I know I can get it done .But really now?  I have been working like crazy the last few weeks and between acupuncture, RE appointments and trying to live a “healthy” life style I think I might be going crazy. To top this all off, my front office receptionist is moving to a new position within the agency. That mean I have to try to get a new receptionist in here by the 28^th which will be her last day also my scheduled egg retrieval. I have already started looking for applicants I had almost 300 resumes in my in-box waiting for me today (I really should get to those). This mean I will be interviewing right in the middle of my cycle. Yesterday I just really felt overwhelmed and left my office in tears I even had to cancel my acupuncture appointment I didn’t think I could sit for an hour and “relax.” I was a mess. I think between work my sister drama and this whole IVF thing really happening I’m a bit of an emotional wreck. DH was sweet last night and really tried making me feel better but it didn’t really work I was in bed and asleep by 7:30 last night (who does that?) I’m hoping a good night’s rest is what I needed. I’m trying to look at the positive and maybe me being so busy at work will actual make the cycle easier I won’t have to much time to stress out about what’s coming up.

At least I have my cute socks to smile about!

Only 5 more days of BCP’s J

Totally Bananas!

Have I mentioned that I am a total reality show junkie? It’s a bad bad thing I always swear I’m going to stay away but there I go. DH often tells me I should be ashamed of myself and I am a little but, Im also ashamed of my love for cupcakes but that doesn’t stop me from eating them. Ok well on to what Im actually blogging about.

I totally had a Rachel Zoe moment last night the way she talks on her show when she totally falls in love with a piece of clothing is pretty much how I felt yesterday when I came across these socks. There no Versace but, I fell in love with them just the same! I like totally “Die” for these socks I’m obsessed!

Right?! Aren’t they the cutest ever? Ok, maybe not ever but they are pretty close I mean come on who doesn’t love a Kuala bear? And with a baby on its back! I wish they were both white but I STILL LOVE THEM! I plan on wearing one of each on retrieval and transfer days!

That stung.....

The pharmacy called and let us know what are RE prescribed and let me know they would be sending them over on Tuesday. Although I am so so excited about this and it means it’s really happening this time (knock on wood) it also comes with frustration.

We were blessed to get approved by  Compassionate Care program (Life Line)  and have most of our meds paid for about $3,000 worth but Life line only pays for certain types of protocols and  one my RE has me on, they do not cover. With that said out went another $900. But again I’m thankful I know it could have been much much worse but it kills me that here in California there is no coverage for IVF. Thankfully we had enough money put away so that when are RE told us it was pretty much now or never we were able to go for it but I know not all couples are so lucky and well it really pisses me off. Ok well there is my rant for Monday morning. Hope you all had a great weekend.

Only 7 more days of BCP's!!!! J

Confused..

I don’t even know where to start this or that I should even write it but here it goes.

I guess I will start off by telling you that my two sisters and I have always been very close. They really are my best friends we have shared some really tough times in life that have only brought us closer. With that said the last 6 or so month’s things have changed at least between me and my older sister.

 My sister knows what I have been going through and hasn’t called me once to see how thing are going. This is someone that I used to talk to everyday sometimes a few times a day. A few months back before my last IVF cycle was going to start, I noticed her pulling away not returning my calls or she would always be very short with me. I wasn’t going to constantly be calling her to update her I really began to feel like I was a bother. Than my surgery came and she was really upset that she found out from my mom and that I didn’t call and tell her. She told my mom that all I seemed to care about were my friends. This really hurt I have always put my family first and yes there are a few friends that I am very close to but this isn’t a new development. I feel like she has really dropped the ball and put it on me. When my mom told me this I was pretty upset and not really sure how to handle it. After my surgery she came to visit and I asked her what has been going on why things are changing between us. She started crying and told me that she just didn’t know what to say to me anymore that she can’t relate to what I’m going through and it’s hard for her. To be honest it really pissed me off believe me I know that she doesn’t know “exactly” what I’m going through and I don’t expect her too. But before me niece was born she suffered two miscarriages that were really difficult for her and I was there every step of the way calling making sure everything was ok at the time I didn’t know how she felt but that didn’t change that she was my sister and she needed me. I told her that I didn’t need her to know what I was going through I just needed her to be my sister and I really felt like she wasn’t there for me. I used to talk to her about everything and now that I’m going through the hardest thing I have ever had to face she has just disappeared. She promised she would make a better effort.

Here we are a few months later and nothing. I called her the day of my last RE appointment left a message (of course she didn’t answer) that I thought we were a go and how excited I was and to call me back when she got a chance. I never got a phone call. Than the weekend came and the hubby was going to a card show with his dad and my mom called and asked if I wanted to drive with her out to my nephew’s game. I figured it would be a good time to catch up with my sister and see my adorable niece and nephew so I decided to go. Even though I was a little upset I used to know when everyone of my nephews games were but apparently she stopped telling me because I was to wrapped up in my own life (her words).

Anyways I tried talking to her about what was going on and to be honest she didn’t seem like she cared much when I mentioned the dates for our upcoming IVF she seemed to care more about how it was going to interrupt Thanksgiving and my nephew’s birthday party than anything. I really tried hard not to take it personal at my nephew’s games she tends to turn into one of the psycho parents that is screaming the whole time. I thought I would give her the benefit of the doubt and call her on Sunday and Monday and Tuesday (you can see where this is going) Of course no answer and no call back again I tried not to take it personal and just assumed she was busy. Than last night DH and I went over to my parents for dinner. My mom told me about how her and my sister had talked (Monday and Tuesday) about Thanksgiving.

It pretty much infuriated me. So apparently she answers my mom’s calls just not mine. I just feel really hurt I told my mom how I felt and she told me and I quote “you know her she has always been a little self absorbed and she has been under a lot of stress remodeling her home”. (I didn’t even know she was re-modeling)

I mean seriously!!! What was I thinking here she is re-modeling her home and I expect her to return a phone call the nerve of me! I really just feel like I’m done! If she doesn’t want to be a part of this or it is just too hard for her then fine but I don’t want to hear crap about me caring to much about my friends!

In all honestly I feel like she is just selfish. She is used to me dropping everything on the drop of a dime for her and her family she has told me more than once that I have no excuse not to show up or do something because I don’t have kids. Well I do have an excuse and it’s me amd my "family"! I am putting myself first for once in life and apparently she doesn’t like that too much.  I used to be everywhere and do everything and the last 6 months it hasn’t been that way but I really thought she would understand.

I feel really hurt and just plain angry. I have always put more effort into our relationship and now that I need her to put in the work she hasn’t.

Should I be more understanding? Do I need to just let it go?

....

Short and Sweet

Wohooo November is here! This means only 17 days until we officially start are meds. I am so damn excited today. Not only will I be starting Meds this month but this means Thanksgiving and my family’s annual tamale party is just around the corner!

Luckily I was in a great mood yesterday too. Have you ever had someone start up a conversation looking for a fight? Well that’s what I got last night.  And boy was I pissed. Luckily I respect this person and choose to bit my tongue, but I’m not going to let that bring me down today I am a happy lady!