Scatter brained

The post is going to be all over the place. So I am apologizing in advance!

My baby radar is at an all-time high. I feel like I can hear a baby cry from a mile away Im pretty sure this is a recent development. I caught myself more than once this weekend staring at mothers and their children. At my younger brothers basketball game on Saturday there was the cutest little baby girl I must have been staring to hard because Im pretty sure the mom noticed and gave me the bit of the stink eye. I didn’t mean to do it I think I just started to day dream. I’m sure I would have been creped out had roles been reversed.

I’m totally going to change subjects here but on Saturday I also went to see my nephew play baseball I hadn’t seen my niece or nephew since they visited after my surgery. They are both the cutest things! My niece came running over when she seen me and when I went down to pick her up she took a step back put her hands up and said “wait is your coco ok” the concern in her face was the cutest thing ever. I told her “yes I was all better” she smiled and gave me the sweetest hug.

Ok I’m changing subjects again….

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I had started stims and got a crazy reaction and broke out in hives everywhere. Is that even possible? I have wanted to Google it but I’m afraid of the answer. I am really trying to stay away of roaming the internet I think it only stresses me out. Will see how long that last.

Hope you all have a Happy Halloween we don’t tend to get to many tricker treaters down are block but I bought a small bag of candy in hope of seeing a few ghosts and goblins!

Here are some cake pops I made for my co-workers

         This is my adorable niece and nephew and my crazy little brother in the background!

Update

Nurse called “We’re a go” her words!!

FHS 7.4 and Estradiol  27

Not sure how I’m feeling. Yesterday I was actually a little down and I couldn’t shake it.  I was so excited just a few days ago and now I think I am just a ball of nerves. Today I am determined to have a better day!

Took my first BC last night 17 more to go!

Cautiously optimistic ....

Just got back from my day 3 testing.

I really got myself all worked up for nothing the nurse I dealt with was great.  The Dr. ahh, not so much but it was bearable.  During the ultra sound I told her about my Ovary being stuck to the pelvic wall she told me that it didn’t look like it was going to be a problem because it was stuck below the uterus. But my Dr. would let me know for sure. She seen 6 follicles in my one little lonely ovary but its1 up from the last time we went through this. So as long as my tests come back normal today it looks like we’re a go. I want to get excited but I’ve been here before.

Here is my tentative schedule

Start Birth Control today 10/27 through 11/14.

11/14- In office for ultrasound, estradiol levels and med class.

11/17- Start Micro Dose Lupron

11/19- Start Gonal F+ Menopar

11/21- Monitoring

Monitoring -11/23 and every day after depending on response to meds.

Egg aspiration tentatively 11/28.

Now we wait for the phone call…..

From one freak out to another...

I am feeling a little better today about the whole RE thing. I knew I was going to have to see a different RE at the clinic eventually so I guess I might as well get it over with.

But now for my next freak out….

I had my post op yesterday with my OB. He said everything went well during the Laparoscopy and that I did have a lot going on in there. Apparently I had so much scar tissue my fallopian tube had attached itself to just about everything it could. It was attached to my uterus, bowel, bladder and pelvic wall. This explains my 4 hour surgery. He didn’t see anything else when he was in there and said that my uterus looked good to go. Then he told me that my ovary (my only one) was stuck my pelvic wall. Of course I freaked out; I asked him what that meant as far as my IVF. He didn’t think it would be a problem. Unfortunately he is not my RE so he didn’t give me too much comfort.

Of course me being the total spaze that I am went home and tried to Google it every way I could but nothing really came up. I only read one article that said it possibly means they would not be able to reach the ovary vaginally so they would have to do Laparoscopy for the retrieval but this is not as accurate since they are unable to do an ultrasound at the same time (hello sleepless night). So now I went from one freak out to another.  I already sent my nurse an e-mail first thing this morning letting her now what my OB told me. I am hoping that I will be hearing back from her shortly letting me know not to worry. (fingers crossed)

Just when you think you’re feeling good….BAM! The roller coaster takes a dive!

Freaking out!

I just got off the phone with my nurse at the clinic to schedule my day 3 testing and she informed me that both her and my RE will not be in the office on Thursday so another Dr. will be performing my ultrasound and a different nurse will be going over my calender this really has me freaked out. I can feel my anxiety building already! She told me it will be fine and that all the Dr. Are great and that they all work as a team. I seen a few RE before Dr. Chung and she is really the only Dr. I have felt comfortable with.

Ready...

Feeling just about as gitty as a schoolgirl!!

To top off my great weekend, AF showed up this morning just the beginning signs but still its here!! This mean I will call my clinic either later today or tomorrow depending on when it really shows up and we will get this ball rolling!

I thought it would be here around the 25^th but I had gotten myself all worked up thinking that the surgery might have screwed up my rotation but, nope. I am just so excited to get this all going again I mean are last cycle was canceled two days before we started stims. I know there are still plenty of things that can stop us in our tracks but today I am just thrilled. I called DH on my way in to work and told him the news. He didn’t get all gitty (dang boys:/) but I could tell in his voice he was excited.

I am feeling really positive about this whole thing I have never been more ready. Emotionally and physically I am feeling great. Is it crazy for me to think this is really going to work? In my hearts of hearts I feel it! Maybe I’m just delusional and in a few months I will be kicking myself for being so hopeful.

I just can’t wait to become a parent. I am ready to be called mommy I hope and pray it’s our time.

Pictures!

Having such a great weekend. The weather has been so nice normally out here is Southern California nice days are often followed with smog but, not this weekend it had been crystal clear. DH and I have spent the weekend outside and are finishing it off with a nice BBQ for dinner!

As promised in my previous post Family Portraits. Here are a few of my favorites that were just sent over! I really love them.

Hope you all are having a great weekend!

Trying not to take it personal

I had a conversation yesterday with a “co-worker” that I used to call a friend.

It’s been about a year since we have had a real conversation. Of course we give an awkward hello if we see each other on campus but the tension is obvious I have been asked on more than one occasion if something is going on between the two of us. I give the standard no everything is fine. Who am I kidding? We used to go to lunch together almost every day and we always hung out on the weekend are husband got along great, we even vacationed together. Then a little over a year ago things changed and we don’t really talk (long story).

 She really hurt me and I can be a bit stubborn. I’m one of those people that once you burned that bridge its really really hard to rebuild (not proud of this). She too has struggled with fertility her and her husband have been trying for almost 3 years. It has been hard not to share what I’ve been going through with her even though we both had very different opinions about treatment and adoption.

We were recently were put on the same committee at work to help with employee events/parties/fundraisers etc. To say it’s been awkward would be an understatement. Yesterday we had an event that we had to work together alone. (enter anxiety) The first few hours we didn’t say much we both kept are selves pretty busy. Than we had to man our table and there was nothing really to do. We sat in awkward silence that felt like forever. As we were sitting we were both so kindly asked “how that baby making thing going?” by a co-worker. We got married months between each other and both have been asked this question at work more than we would like to count.  It funny how some people think they are entitled to your personal business!

Our conversation then turned to fertility. (This got me nervous) We had talked about this before and she thought it was ridiculous to spend all the money on fertility treatment (she is going in for an HSG next week). She had told me before she didn’t see why people didn’t just adopt. I always thought this was odd coming from someone that was trying to conceive herself. Her opinion hasn’t changed much. When I finally told her we are about to start IVF she looked at me puzzled and said what about your house? When we had last talked we were looking for our first home boy how a year can change things.

I told her DH and I would rather rent a home and have little one running around rather than own a home right now with just the two of us. I told her that we have forever to buy a home we don’t have that time to make a baby. I’m pretty sure she rolled her eyes at me. Then she asked me about adoption. I told her that at the moment that isn’t something we were open to and if years down the road God opens are heart to adoption than that’s what will do. That’s pretty much were the conversation ended I could tell she didn’t agree and it bothered me. Well it hurt!

I know it’s not anyone’s place to understand what I’m going through but, for a women struggling with infertility to look at me like I was crazy stung a little. I know this process can have a roller coaster of emotions and I’m not sure what stage she is at I tried not to let it bother me but, its hard not to take it personal.

She filled me with hope.....

I went to see my acupuncturist (PAM) yesterday and she told me something that made me cry the whole way home. For the first time in a while they were happy tears.

A little bit of back story:

In my previous post I had written about a ridiculous infection I had gotten near my incision. I had called Pam on Tuesday to let her know I wasn’t going to be able to make my appointment but I would try to be there for my Thursday appointment. She called me Wednesday and yesterday morning to see how I was doing; she really is a sweet woman. On Thursday she was honest and told me “you are going to make it in today, right?” when I told her yes she said “good because I really want to see that thing” (thing being my infection). I laughed a little. Hey, at least she was being honest.

When I got to her office yesterday she pretty much had the same reaction my Dr. had which was wow that’s not pretty. Followed with, does it hurt? I thought me walking in looking like an old lady would have given it away!

My appointment went pretty normal until the end. Pamela has been doing acupuncture for the past 20 years and has specialized in Fertility acupuncture for the last 15 years. She seems to really know her stuff and although she is a little quirky I really trust her. OK OK, I’m going off subject. She had me taking an egg boosting pill that she has had a lot of success with previous patients. I was almost running out and told her I needed to buy another bottle.

Then she told me:

“You know, I don’t think you need to take them. I think that your baby is already out there in the spiritual world and this whole infection and all these problems is the baby getting your body ready for its stay.”

I must have looked at her a little crazy

She told me, “no really I think you’re good” with the sweetest smile on her face. She sounded so sincere when she said it.

I went to my car and cried I don’t know what it was. Call me crazy but something in me believed her.

Regardless if she’s a little out there and feed me a bunch of mumble jumbo. She gave me confidence and she filled me with hope. If all of this pain and sleepless nights means my body is getting ready for my baby or babies. I will be one happy lady.

Question?

So to go along with my ridiculous recovery from what should have been a simple Laparoscopy I ended up back at the doctor’s office yesterday with a pretty bad infection near my incision which had me feeling like I had the flu the last few days(fever/vomiting/body aches the works). The DR. put me on antibiotics and I am supposed to have an appointment with a Surgeon next week. Warning this is about to be “TMI”...... Apparently the infection is so bad they want to cut it open and drain out the fluid (yeah gross). I am hoping the antibiotics will clear it up and I won’t have to get that done. In the mean time I am freaking out. I have been working so hard on having a healthy life style leading up to our next IVF cycle. I am a little worried about the antibiotics. The nurse at my clinic told me it would be fine but I’m still worried. I have read a few things (Dr. GOOGLE HAS ME FREAKED OUT AGAIN) online that have me worried. Have any of you taken antibiotics the months leading up to IVF? Should I just leave it alone or bring up my worries to my nurse again?

On top of all this I am really beginning to feel like a bad wife. I know he understands and he is constantly reassuring me that everything is ok and that he understands. I can’t help but feel like I’m neglecting him. Within the last month in a half I have probably only cooked a handful of times. For the most part he has been doing most of the cleaning too. I know this may sound crazy but I have been slacking on making his lunch the night before and I used to do this every day and I feel awful (I think I feel the worse about this).  Between our IVF being cancelled the surgery the complication following the surgery and now this, I have just been out of it. I know I have valid reason for slacking off a bit but, last night I just about lost it when I walked into the kitchen and seen him making his lunch. Hopefully I will be back to myself soon enough and I can make it up to him. In the mean time I’m just hoping he doesn’t run away in the middle of the night!!

Just to clarify...

In my last post I stated I was feeling proud I just wanted to clarify a bit. Since joining the blogger world I have felt like I was part of a community. Although this may be a community not too many are proud of. Reading other post has made me realize I am not alone in this struggle. Sure there is no one I talk to face to face but when I read these blogs I swear some of you have taken the words right out of my mouth. I don’t know how many times I have sat here and thoughts, Exactly!! That’s exactly how I feel and then I think how strong you all are. It reminds me how strong I am. More times than less I feel defeated and alone then I come here read these blogs and realize I  we can get through this. I am proud to be part of a community of women that have stared NO in the face and are fighting for the YES!!

Thank You for being my inspiration without even knowing it!!

Why not?

I seen an old friend from Junior high last night we only get to see each other a few times a year. This time she brought her 8 month old daughter along she was absolutely adorable she also told me she was 3 months pregnant (yeah it stung a little).  Of course it was followed with we weren’t even trying!! Apparently they had tried for a whole 4 months to get pregnant the first time with an ovulation kit and everything!! (Since my sarcasm) So they didn’t think it would happen so easily. None the less it did but, I am happy for her she is a great mother and I remember even as children her talking about wanting to be a mother.

Ok I got that off my chest. Now, the reason I am actually writing today.

During our conversation she told me about the passing of her cousin that she was close to and something the pastor (also her cousins’ father) said during the funeral service that has really stuck with her and now it has stuck with me. He said he had asked God, WHY? Why my son? Why this way? Why now? When he realized why not? He does funeral services all the time why should he be any different. Why should his family be spared the pain of death? Why should he not lose a son? Why should his sons wife not lose her husband? Why should they not hurt? What makes them different? Nothing!  Her cousin had been married for three years and just started his own business and his band was just about to release their first album and just like that it was taken away.

She told me all she could think about was his wife. She left knowing what he said was true any one of us could be seating in her seat now a widow. There is nothing that makes us different nothing that makes us more deserving of our husband. Of course like with everything in my life right now I thought about me and DH and everything going on in our lives. All the times we have asked God, why?

But why not us? Why should we not bare the struggle so many couples deal with everyday? Why should we not make sacrifices? Why should we not hurt? Than I thought of you, the woman in the blogger world that wake up every day and face the same problem I do. The same worry the same want. Nothing makes me different. In all honesty I am feeling a little proud today I know nothing makes me different nothing makes me more deserving. But I know I have the fight for this. God gave me these struggles because he knows I can handle them he knows we all can handle them.

A few of the ladies I follow are going through the dreaded 2 week wait. You are all in my thoughts.

He never said it would be easy but, it will be worth it!!

Worth the wait

If our last cycle would have happened as planned I would be going through me 2ww. When I first found out we had to postpone the cycle so I could have a Laparoscopic to have my left and only fallopian tube removed I was devastated we found out only 4 days before we were going to start stims. At the time I just didn’t understand I was confused and quite frankly I was angry with God. I prayed that God would give me an understanding I know he has a plan and that I should not worry but instead put my trust in him and I did just that. I have to say today I am thankful that our cycle got postponed (I know crazy) But the truth is after my surgery I realized how strong I was. I felt the love of my family and friends more than ever. During those sleepless nights DH and I had some of our deepest conversation we have ever shared. Up until very recently like a few days ago recently, DH and I had pretty much thought this cycle was our only chance it was pretty much our HELL MARY toss.  Without insurance coverage (I should move to HAWAII with my sister the pay for 1 cycle at least) the financial strain is tough and we didn’t see ourselves being able to do this again. We decided that we will try again if this cycle is not successful. Believe me I want this to work more than anything. I pray this is going to happen for us.

After our talk I feel so much relief I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I can actually be excited I mean genuinely excited about our upcoming cycle. I had put so much pressure on myself and all I thought about was what if this doesn’t happen. The thought of it not working had really consumed me of course I had moments of positivity but those were few and far between my thoughts would always push me back to the what if? I never let myself get to excited but, now I know the what if, if this doesn’t work we will go back to the drawing board. Yes it will be a financial struggle but I know we will find away.   I know it strange that I feel more than ever that this is going to work and a lot of that has to do with the fact that we have talked about a “backup” plan. I can’t really explain it but I am feeling so much better these past few days. I hope it last.