Not sure what it all means.....

Just got a call from my nurse!! It was all too much information at once. She did tell me that Life Line called them and that she already ordered my meds and they should be in on Friday (Still in shock). I will stop taking birth control on Monday the 5^th. I will be going in on Tuesday the 6^th to go over everything and pick up my Meds.  Then if all goes well I will be starting Microdose Lupron on the 9^th. She also told me I will be taking Gonal and Menopur. Not sure what this all mean but I’m sure I will be scouring the Internet for information for the next few hours. 

Words are not enough!!

I have had an amazing passed four days. God has blessed me beyond words!

The financial end of this IVF has been really hard but, we knew God would find a way. This past Saturday we decided to have a yard sale and hope our Junk was someone else’s treasure. Are blessings started Friday night when we were at a friend’s BBQ. I told her we would not be able to stay late because we planned on having a yard sale in the morning. My friend just got married last month and she told me she had received all new appliances and she was going to take her old ones to the Good Will but, I should take them because they were all in great shape! She was right we made over $200 from just what she gave us plus another $200 on things we already had. I know this might seem crazy because it was just a yard sale and it was only $400 but, it went perfect we sold just about everything by 10:00am and made tones of new storage space. I really felt like God was telling me just keep working it’s going to happen.

 Saturday evening my parents had a BBQ for my Birthday. I turned 27 this past Sunday (YAY ME)!!! Again I felt so blessed I really have the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for. I have really only talked about are financial struggles with my parents and two of my closest girlfriends. I have felt guilty for doing this because I never want them to feel like I was telling them because I wanted their help. It has just been such a struggle. It has taken over every part of my life. They all were very generous with their Birthday gifts to me. I cry as I think about the kind words that were in the cards they gave me. It ended up being one of my best Birthdays I have ever had. My friends and family laughed all night it was nothing big but it was very special!

 Nick and I have chosen to let very few people know we are going thru IVF. The people that know have been so amazing. It hard to express how thankful I am! I woke up Sunday morning feeling God more than ever. I genuinely felt his presence.  I think I had really let all the financial pressures go and realized it would all be figured out.

Then Yesterday!! We got the best news we could have asked for. We got the call from Life Line. I got a call from Suzanne the woman that has been dealing with our application on my way to get my HSG (YUCK)! All I really remember was “I have good news for you.”

AHHHHHHHHHH WE GOT APPROVED!!! WE GOT APPROVED!!!! They are going to pay for our MEDS!!!! AHHHHHHHHH. I SCREAMED I CRIED!! I think my heart might still be jumping out of my chest!! I hope you can feel my excitement. I mean this really happened we really got approved. Nick and I cannot stop smiling. This morning Nick woke up and told me I feel 100 pounds lighter, I feel like I can actually think about becoming a Daddy now!!

I feel so truly blessed!! Thank you for your prayers. Words cannot seem to express how thankful I am. I know we still have a long and rocky journey but today I have one less stress!!

Praying we get approved....

Just sent off our application for the Compassionate Care program thru Life Line. This will help me and Nick so much if we get approved. The program pays for your IVF medication. I talked to the women dealing with our case and she said she will finish up our packet today and give it to the program panel. We should know by Monday if we get approved. An order to qualify for the program your insurance can not cover IVF and you and your partner have to make below a certain amount annually. They do not disclose this amount so we have no idea. I read a few places on-line that it’s less than 100,000. I’m just trying to keep positive thoughts. I know God does not give us more than we can handle. But the whole financial part of this IVF has been really difficult.

We also had to submit a short story about our Infertility Journey and what brought us here. So the panel can get a sense of who we are. Below is what I sent in……

I am a newbie to IVF and I am still attempting to master IVF lingo, yet my story in the world of fertility problems began over 20 years ago when I was only six years old. During most of my first grade year I struggled with abdominal pain, doctor visits and finally being diagnosed with a tumor that had grown and wrapped itself around my right ovary and fallopian tube that resulted in the removal of them all. At the time of surgery I had no Idea what it all meant and was completely oblivious to any future implications in regards to my ability to becoming a parent. All I remember is that the first grade wasn’t easy and being held back a year due to missing school too often was devastating.

            At the age of 14 I was back at the hospital for the removal of a large cyst that had developed on my left ovary and that was growing very rapidly. The doctor discussed with my parents the possibility of having to remove my ovary; I can still picture my mother with tears in her eyes telling me about the possibility of not being able to have children. Thankfully they were able to remove the cyst without any complications. This scenario repeated itself again when I was seventeen years old and when I was twenty years old. It was then that I met the love of my life, my husband Nick. Early on in the relationship I felt the responsibility to share with him my fertility problems as to give him the opportunity to decide if he wished to continue to pursue a relationship with a woman who might not be able to conceive a child, or as my parents presented to Nick when he asked for my hand in marriage, “she might have baby making issues.” It was painful to hear my parents say those words despite the fact that growing up with these medical issues had pushed me to never imagine myself as a mother. I guess deep down I had never lost hope.

My feelings of fear and hope in being able to conceive became all too real in late 2009 when a new cyst that was larger than my ovary was found. The cyst was growing at an alarming rate and therefore it would require surgery. I did not fear the surgery as I had the other times. This time the feelings had changed. Up until then, my fertility problems had been a shared experience between my parents and I, now there was Nick sitting next to me at the doctor’s office listening to the possibility of having to remove my only ovary and crushing any possibility of us as a couple being able to conceive a child. I felt the worst I had ever felt thus far in my life because it had been one thing for my body to let me down but it was another to see it hurting my husband. Nick put on a brave face and told me it would be fine but, I could tell by the look on his face his hope was being tested.

I went into surgery not knowing what my future could hold and woke up to Nick telling me that the doctor had been able to save my ovary.  There was short lived hope in hearing his words followed by sorrow.  Nick informed me about my fallopian tube being completely blocked due to damage from scar tissue from my other surgeries and thus eliminated any possibility of being able to conceive on our own.  I just cried and cried and cried. I cried for three days straight. I cry again as I relive that day. It was then that we were given the referral for the fertility specialist and it took about a year for me to process my thoughts and feelings surrounding IVF and manage the courage to fight for the ability to conceive and carry a child with the help of IVF. 

Earlier I mentioned that for years I had never imagined myself as a mother and believed that I would be okay if I never had my own children. Truth be told, I have been practicing my mothering skills from an early age.  My parents worked a lot when I was a teenager and I took on many duties in our home in their absence. My little sister leaving for college has been one of my proudest and most difficult moments in my life. At my wedding my little brother gave a speech saying, “you are my second mom, please don’t forget me.”  Although they are not my children, I believe that I have contributed to creating the people they are today and I’m very proud of that.

Then there is Nick, he is such a warm and caring man. I could not have asked for a better partner in life. One of our favorite things to do is have our nieces and nephews over for the weekend. Seeing the way Nick interacts with them and how they just love him makes me fall in love with him all over again. It is in those moments that I can picture what our life with our own children could be. When my seven year old nephew told Nick, “you are my favorite uncle,” Nick almost cried, I almost cried.

I believe Nick and I have mastered the skills of being a good brother, sister, aunt and uncle and now we are ready to be the best Mommy and Daddy we know we can be. Nick and I made a commitment to each other in marriage and now we have made our commitment to our children in being able to find the strength and means to explore all possibilities that could lead us into becoming parents. We have never wanted anything more in life and we hope every day that our baby girl Leena or baby boy Brayden come into our lives because they will be loved more than words could ever express. We just need science to help us to make that happen.

Its really happening...

Went in for my day 3 testing on Monday and it all went really well. My FSH was 7.6 and Estradiol level was 33. During my ultrasound the Dr. seen 5 follicles!! She said she was pleasantly surprised. She told me she will be taking me off the birth control after I do my HSG test (yeah I am not thrilled about that) I have that scheduled for Monday the 29^th and I will stop Birth Control September 1^st. It all is getting so real. I think my nerves have turned to excitement for the first time in this process!

Nick also had his semen analysis on Monday he was nervous all day until we got the results. Thankfully everything came out good well great actually. The nurse said his results were above average which of course made him gloat all day. He thinks he has super sperm lol. I can only hope! After we got the results the Dr. called me with a tentative schedule, looks like I will start the stimulation process ON September 8^th! The doctor also said that she wanted us to use ICSI. She is not confidant in the amount of eggs I will produce (I figured this much). So it looks like we will be adding a little more money to are already growing tab. But I know we will figure it all out.

I am really starting to fill confidant about this whole thing. Not to sure if it’s a good or a bad thing, I’m hoping I’m not giving myself false hope. I guess only time will tell all, I know is today I am feeling good  but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 Waiting for my first ultrasound!!

I got to visit with my Grandma this weekend. She looked great but unfortunately she didn't remember me . Although Alzheimer's is an awful thing it has not taken away her kindness or sense of humor!

A good few days..

My roller coaster of emotions still seems to be on an even slope. Which is nice compared to all the flips and turns I was going thru a week ago at this time. Me and my mom went to see the movies “The Help” Tuesday night. The movie was good but, the book was better. It was nice to go out just me and her, we haven’t did that in forever. My husband got breakfast for dinner on Wednesday which is always a sign of a good day! He was way too excitedJ. Yesterday I went to a baby shower for a co-worker Michelle she is having twin girls. She was just beaming I could almost cry just watching her. I couldn’t help but hope that one day soon that will be me!!  

Last night I had my first experience with acupuncture. Still not sure if I liked it. I know it’s supposed to relax you but I think I almost had an anxiety attack lol. I guess I don’t like being left alone with my thought for too long. I did feel great afterwards I think I fell asleep by 8:30 last night and woke up feeling great!!

Now we are just playing the waiting game. As soon as I get my cycle which I thought would be Wednesday. I will go in for my day three testing and then I guess the ball will get rolling!

The Help….

Well it’s been an interesting past 4 days. My emotional roller coaster hasn’t slowed down a bit. Last Friday I think I felt the worst to date. I just felt like I was begging to unravel on top of this whole IVF thing my family wasn’t helping out my situation. To tell you the truth I was pretty much mad at the world and it showed. I knew I had to do something I felt like I’ve been trying to control something that’s uncontrollable. After I was ridiculously rude to my mom and little brother had a screaming match with my husband. This was odd usually I yell, he listens it was actually a little refreshing to have him yell back. I knew it wasn’t ok. I don’t want to be that girl that everyone walks on eggshells around.

Earlier that day my best friend across the hall had told me I really need to find something to get away from all this. She told me you used to love to read what happened. I didn’t have an answer. I used to love to read. I would waste days away and just read and now I can’t even remember what the last book was that I read. Saturday I woke up with that knot still in my stomach and now I have this irritating leg shaking thing that I can’t seem to control. Yeah just one more thing I can’t seem to control!

Shopping always make me feel better but with this IVF right around the corner we are pretty much pinching any penny we have hoping it will be enough. Unfortunately the financial cost of all of this has probably been %70 of my stress. I don’t know how people do it; we can’t even afford the one procedure more or less do two or three. Ok, I better get off this subject my leg is begging to shake haha.

Well with shopping out of the question I decided I should go get a book. I had heard a few things about “The Help.” So I went by Costco and picked it up (I think books are always cheaper there). I got home and got right to reading. I think I remember why I stopped reading; because once I start I can’t stop. I m not one of those readers that reads a chapter here or there. I’m just too impatient (one of my many amazing qualities). So I read pretty much read the whole weekend. My husband even told me I was rude on Sunday when we were at a family BBQ : / It was great though when I was reading that book I was just reading all worries and stresses didn’t come sneaking back into my thoughts like they have been when I had been doing just about anything else. It’s great how books can do that to you. I finished the book last night, it was a great read.

 I woke up feeling good today I still have a little knot in my stomach but it’s not quite so big I don’t have a headache from all the thinking. I know I’m still on this roller coaster but for now it’s on an even slope.

Now I’m looking for my next book to read, if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

One step at a time

I put myself in a bit of a tailspin yesterday. I woke up on a rampage to get everything on my “to do” list for the IVF done or at least in the process of getting done. I think this is my way of trying to take control of a situation that is uncontrollable (at least this is what a wise woman told meJ). Well I was busy trying to gain control, I lost control.

  I had emailed my IVF coordinator Teri with a few questions I had. She quickly responded, she answered all my question and reminded me of the thing I needed to get done before our next visit (panic mode set in). You would think she would of told me that all of these things needed to be done by tomorrow by the way I reacted. I immediately got on the phone with my primary doctor sent e-mails to OBGYN and called the lab and so on and so on. Many of these people weren’t as quick to respond as Teri which is no surprise but I still wasn’t happy. In my head its like don’t these people know what I’m going through? I need answers!! Lol I can laugh now but yesterday it was no laughing matter.

Then I started researching more information on the Internet I read a few blogs, one of the titles alone made me break out in tears I believe it was titled “So many children out there but none call me mom.” Yeah forget about it, if it wasn’t a bad day yet I was going downhill from there. By the time I got home I just felt empty all I wanted to do was sleep. Thankfully I have an amazing husband that seen I wasn’t feeling great. I told him about my day, after I had already grilled him about calling his doctor to get the result from some test he had taken and he told me, babe slow down it’s all going to get done. We have to just take it one step at a time. Thankfully my other half is level headed. I’m not sure what I would do without him. After he frustrates me a little he always knows how to make me feel better and he’s right we need to take it one step at a time.

Everyday has been a new struggle but we are getting threw it.

A pair of socks…..

Nick and I have really been trying to stay positive about this whole thing (key word being trying). I personally have been trying to get myself in a frame of mind where I really believe I’m going to be a mother. Of course I have my moments of doubt. Just yesterday I was online doing some more research when I came across data from 2010 ( http://fertilitysuccessrates.com/ivfclinics/Los-Angeles/USC-Fertility/report36.html) for USC Fertility clinic and just seeing all the numbers gave me such anxiety only %54 of women under the age of 35 had live births. Once again I was very doubtful and had a little petty party for myself and cried my eyes out luckily this only lasted a few minutes and I pulled myself together I have been really emotional this whole week, last week had been really rough for me I guess rough would be an understatement it had been downright awful. I have been dealing with a lot of family issues and I really began to question myself. I really began to wonder if we were doing the right thing if Nick and I are even meant to bring a child into this world. I was going thru a world wind of emotions. Then on my way home from work I remembered what a youth pastor once said. He told us that anything that is really worth it in life you are going to have to work damn hard for. There are going to be road blocks and mountains that you just don’t think you can get threw and when you feel that ,you have to dig deep and give it your all, it will be so much more worth it when you have to work for it. And I thought, well Jessica it’s time to dig deep!

This brought me and Nick to last night when we were at one of our favorite places Target, yes Target we spend more time then we would like to admit thereJ. I’m not even sure what we went in there for but, we came out full of hope and looking forward to the future.  As we were walking around looking for nothing we came across the baby section and like a scared little kid about to go into a haunted house I asked Nick “want to go in” he looked at me confused and a little red like he usually get when he is nervous and said “yeah I guess”. You would think that this was a new edition to the store but nope it had always been there we just weren’t looking. The only time we had been in that section was to rush threw grabbing something for a friend or families baby shower. It’s a whole new world when you are looking at it in the content of your own child. We walked through holding hands and just talking about what the future could hold for us. It was probably one of the best conversations we have had about this whole thing. I can cry just thinking about it.

A while back my mother in law had suggested us buying something for a baby and just holding on to it. At the time I thought “yeah right, are you crazy?”. But while we were there it felt right, we came across all the little socks and shoes they are so tiny. Nick and I just kind of starred at them for a minute and I said “pick one”. Again Nick was probably thinking “is this girl crazy” lol he didn’t say that instead he asked “why.” I told him about the conversation me and his mom had and if he was comfortable with buying them then we should get them. He stopped and thought about it for a second which I’m glad because I didn’t want him to do it because I was ready. He said “yeah let’s get them” and we picked out the cutest little white pair of socks. I have to admit when we walked up to the register I was a little nervous not sure why, it’s not like the lady was going to tell us we couldn’t buy them but I sure did feel that way. Not sure what buying them means or if we will ever be able to use them but I know it brought me and Nick a little bit closer and they made us happy even if only in that moment.

Have Nick and I ever just tried?? Seriously…..

Seriously is what I thought when I was asked that question. I was asked by someone that is very close to me that I choose to leave nameless. At first I answered the question like “yes of course” the sad thing is she knew what we had gone thru at least I thought she did it made me question everything.
 

It’s hard when you feel like you have been with someone threw some dark times and great times and expect them to do the same. But I guess this is the problem as people we put some expectations on people knowing full well they can’t give you what you want. Or at least this is what I do. It’s hard to realize that something that means the world to you isn’t so important to someone else someone that you hold so close.

" Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to
do that much for them"

-unknown

Weddings and the Doctor…..

Writing after a great three day weekend!!! Created great memories with friends and family and learned something new about Nick (he is not a fan of the doctor or needles)

This Saturday I was in one of my best friend’s wedding. I am so happy for Erika and Jimmy they are an amazing couple and their wedding was perfect. On Sunday my cousin Angie got married so happy she got the wedding she has always wanted. We had such a great weekend filled with love. You can’t help but feel all mushy when you’re at a wedding. At least I can’t!! At my cousins wedding I got asked the dreaded question, while at least for me anyways. My cousin that I hadn’t seen in a while says “haven’t you and Nick been married a while, when are the little ones coming”. Normally my response is not right now, we are waiting a little. I’m proud to say, this time I said “Soon!! Hopefully very very soon.”

We took yesterday off work to recoup from our busy weekend. But we also know that we are going to be taking off a lot of time from work during the IVF cycle so we thought we should get some of the thing on our to do list checked off that the nurse at USC Fertility gave us to do before our next appointment later this month, one of the things on this list was some routine blood work for Nick. Well at least I thought it was routine blood work. For Nick it was much more serious. We found out yesterday Nick doesn’t like the doctors at least when it involves himself!

When we arrived at the doctors everything seemed normal Nick checked in and we sat and waited. Little did I know Nick was really nervous, when he came out from the giving his blood he seemed really anxious. I asked him if he was ok and he told me he was really freaking out in there and he didn’t even know where it came from. I knew going in that Nick had never really been to the doctors in the 7 years we have been together he has only had an ear ache that he went to the emergency for. I am always the sick one I can’t even count the numbers of times I have been to the doctors in the last 6 months more or less the last 7 years. So I have to be honest my thought was “what’s the big deal its only blood.” (I know not so nice) Then he got called back to see the doctors I waited and when he came out he told me the doctor said his blood pressure was threw the roof and that they were going to have to take it again before he left. Luckily they said it was going down so he was able to leave. I felt really bad for thinking it wasn’t a big deal when it was to Nick. We talked about it after and he said going in, he felt fine and before he knew it he was kind of freaking out. Well anyone that deals with anxiety knows it can just sneak up on you. His not sure if it was the needles that freaked him out or the doctors in general. Now we are just hoping when it comes to giving all the shots for the IVF that he will be ok. I guess only time will tell. I think he will do great!