A pair of socks…..

Nick and I have really been trying to stay positive about this whole thing (key word being trying). I personally have been trying to get myself in a frame of mind where I really believe I’m going to be a mother. Of course I have my moments of doubt. Just yesterday I was online doing some more research when I came across data from 2010 ( http://fertilitysuccessrates.com/ivfclinics/Los-Angeles/USC-Fertility/report36.html) for USC Fertility clinic and just seeing all the numbers gave me such anxiety only %54 of women under the age of 35 had live births. Once again I was very doubtful and had a little petty party for myself and cried my eyes out luckily this only lasted a few minutes and I pulled myself together I have been really emotional this whole week, last week had been really rough for me I guess rough would be an understatement it had been downright awful. I have been dealing with a lot of family issues and I really began to question myself. I really began to wonder if we were doing the right thing if Nick and I are even meant to bring a child into this world. I was going thru a world wind of emotions. Then on my way home from work I remembered what a youth pastor once said. He told us that anything that is really worth it in life you are going to have to work damn hard for. There are going to be road blocks and mountains that you just don’t think you can get threw and when you feel that ,you have to dig deep and give it your all, it will be so much more worth it when you have to work for it. And I thought, well Jessica it’s time to dig deep!

This brought me and Nick to last night when we were at one of our favorite places Target, yes Target we spend more time then we would like to admit thereJ. I’m not even sure what we went in there for but, we came out full of hope and looking forward to the future.  As we were walking around looking for nothing we came across the baby section and like a scared little kid about to go into a haunted house I asked Nick “want to go in” he looked at me confused and a little red like he usually get when he is nervous and said “yeah I guess”. You would think that this was a new edition to the store but nope it had always been there we just weren’t looking. The only time we had been in that section was to rush threw grabbing something for a friend or families baby shower. It’s a whole new world when you are looking at it in the content of your own child. We walked through holding hands and just talking about what the future could hold for us. It was probably one of the best conversations we have had about this whole thing. I can cry just thinking about it.

A while back my mother in law had suggested us buying something for a baby and just holding on to it. At the time I thought “yeah right, are you crazy?”. But while we were there it felt right, we came across all the little socks and shoes they are so tiny. Nick and I just kind of starred at them for a minute and I said “pick one”. Again Nick was probably thinking “is this girl crazy” lol he didn’t say that instead he asked “why.” I told him about the conversation me and his mom had and if he was comfortable with buying them then we should get them. He stopped and thought about it for a second which I’m glad because I didn’t want him to do it because I was ready. He said “yeah let’s get them” and we picked out the cutest little white pair of socks. I have to admit when we walked up to the register I was a little nervous not sure why, it’s not like the lady was going to tell us we couldn’t buy them but I sure did feel that way. Not sure what buying them means or if we will ever be able to use them but I know it brought me and Nick a little bit closer and they made us happy even if only in that moment.