Welcome ICLWers

For those of you stopping by my blog for the first time, I’m Jessica I’m 27 and married to an amazing man living in beautiful Southern California.  You have caught me in the middle of my first IVF (praying it’s my only) cycle and with a bad head cold (I will save that for another post). 

Here is a piece of an old post (8/25/11) that tells you a little of our story.

 I am a newbie to IVF and I am still attempting to master IVF lingo, yet my story in the world of fertility problems began over 20 years ago when I was only six years old. During most of my first grade year I struggled with abdominal pain, doctor visits and finally being diagnosed with a tumor that had grown and wrapped itself around my right ovary and fallopian tube that resulted in the removal of them all. At the time of surgery I had no Idea what it all meant and was completely oblivious to any future implications in regards to my ability to becoming a parent. All I remember is that the first grade wasn’t easy and being held back a year due to missing school too often was devastating.

            At the age of 14 I was back at the hospital for the removal of a large cyst that had developed on my left ovary and that was growing very rapidly. The doctor discussed with my parents the possibility of having to remove my ovary; I can still picture my mother with tears in her eyes telling me about the possibility of not being able to have children. Thankfully they were able to remove the cyst without any complications. This scenario repeated itself again when I was seventeen years old and when I was twenty years old. It was then that I met the love of my life, my husband Nick. Early on in the relationship I felt the responsibility to share with him my fertility problems as to give him the opportunity to decide if he wished to continue to pursue a relationship with a woman who might not be able to conceive a child, or as my parents presented to Nick when he asked for my hand in marriage, “she might have baby making issues.” It was painful to hear my parents say those words despite the fact that growing up with these medical issues had pushed me to never imagine myself as a mother. I guess deep down I had never lost hope.

My feelings of fear and hope in being able to conceive became all too real in late 2009 when a new cyst that was larger than my ovary was found. The cyst was growing at an alarming rate and therefore it would require surgery. I did not fear the surgery as I had the other times. This time the feelings had changed. Up until then, my fertility problems had been a shared experience between my parents and I, now there was Nick sitting next to me at the doctor’s office listening to the possibility of having to remove my only ovary and crushing any possibility of us as a couple being able to conceive a child. I felt the worst I had ever felt thus far in my life because it had been one thing for my body to let me down but it was another to see it hurting my husband. Nick put on a brave face and told me it would be fine but, I could tell by the look on his face his hope was being tested.

I went into surgery not knowing what my future could hold and woke up to Nick telling me that the doctor had been able to save my ovary.  There was short lived hope in hearing his words followed by sorrow.  Nick informed me about my fallopian tube being completely blocked due to damage from scar tissue from my other surgeries and thus eliminated any possibility of being able to conceive on our own.  I just cried and cried and cried. I cried for three days straight. I cry again as I relive that day. It was then that we were given the referral for the fertility specialist and it took about a year for me to process my thoughts and feelings surrounding IVF and manage the courage to fight for the ability to conceive and carry a child with the help of IVF. 

Earlier I mentioned that for years I had never imagined myself as a mother and believed that I would be okay if I never had my own children. Truth be told, I have been practicing my mothering skills from an early age.  My parents worked a lot when I was a teenager and I took on many duties in our home in their absence. My little sister leaving for college has been one of my proudest and most difficult moments in my life. At my wedding my little brother gave a speech saying, “you are my second mom, please don’t forget me.”  Although they are not my children, I believe that I have contributed to creating the people they are today and I’m very proud of that.

Then there is Nick, he is such a warm and caring man. I could not have asked for a better partner in life. One of our favorite things to do is have our nieces and nephews over for the weekend. Seeing the way Nick interacts with them and how they just love him makes me fall in love with him all over again. It is in those moments that I can picture what our life with our own children could be. When my seven year old nephew told Nick, “you are my favorite uncle,” Nick almost cried, I almost cried.

I believe Nick and I have mastered the skills of being a good brother, sister, aunt and uncle and now we are ready to be the best Mommy and Daddy we know we can be. Nick and I made a commitment to each other in marriage and now we have made our commitment to our children in being able to find the strength and means to explore all possibilities that could lead us into becoming parents. We have never wanted anything more in life and we hope every day that our baby girl Leena or baby boy Brayden come into our lives because they will be loved more than words could ever express. We just need science to help us to make that happen.

Thank you for stopping by...