Nick and I came across this book well sitting in the waiting room at USC fertility. We bought ourselves a copy last week. I was hoping it would answer some of my questions and help me better understand what I should expect the next few months. Well I got a little more than I bargained for.
I was sitting in my office highlighting a few areas that I thought Nick should read when I felt myself getting more and more emotional. Lucky for me I have one of my best friends Amalia (I should mention she is also a therapist) in the office across from me. I told her I’m not sure it was the best idea to read this book it feels way to real!!! She is always good at helping me get to the “real problem”. As we were talking I realized I have only imagined the IVF not working I haven’t let myself image it working. I actually had never let myself imagine being pregnant more less being a mother, ever! I was told at a very young age that it would be hard for me to ever conceive so I think I just blocked it out.Amalia told me she had been listening to the radio that morning and herd a woman telling her life story. The woman was talking about how she believes you have to believe something is going to happen for it to happen!! Amalia said she thought of me when she heard it. The truth is I didn’t want myself to believe it could work I felt like the let down would be even harder. But there I go assuming its not going to work and then I thought why am I doing this if I don’t think it’s going to work. She suggested I take sometime to myself and really imagine the IVF working and being pregnant and being a mother.
I took her advice and this past Saturday I sat in my backyard and well I cried my eyes out. It was a good cry it took me to a much more positive place. Of course I am still going to approach this with caution but I am much more optimistic.
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